(Editor’s Note: This entire article is intended as a joke. Don’t take it seriously in any way, shape, or form. To do so could cause irreversible trauma. In conclusion, lighten up and have a laugh.)
Role Model (noun) – A person who serves as a model in a particular behavioral or social role for another person to emulate.
Every single day, we see celebrities being thrown in jail for ridiculous crimes deemed below their pay grade. Thousands of budding adolescents turn around and idolize these individuals as role models and strive to achieve their success. While that’s all fun and games, we’d like to know why nobody is idolizing the real role models in life. C’mon, you guys know who I’m talking about; if you don’t, you’re about to be introduced to my top 10 greatest PlayStation Role Models.
10. Crash Bandicoot
The Tasmanian Devil has nothing on this Bandicoot. If you’re a messy gamer and your laptop or computer desk is full of garbage, then this is probably somebody you look up to. It doesn’t matter where Crash goes, he’s going to wreak havoc and create a mess in the process. I’m sure there are many of you reading this just nodding your heads knowing your mothers just finished cleaning up your rooms.
9. Needles Kane (Sweet Tooth)
How many times have you heard your mom say something like: “If you don’t go to school, you’ll end up being a janitor or a failure like your cousin.” Everyone should be raising their hands (except for those with cousins on Wall Street — oh wait, just kidding, you too). Anyway, Needles Kane gives you the freedom to look at your mom like she’s crazy, because this guy has made it cool to have a crappy job like driving an Ice Cream truck. If that’s not something you can respect, I don’t know what is.
8. Claude Speed
So you’re the strong, quiet type, right? Do I have the guy for you! Claude Speed is as quiet as they get, yet epitomizes the slogan, “It’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for.” Claude started waging war in Grand Theft Auto II and never looked back. From blowing up cars to running over pedestrians, not even Helen Keller could make being mute this cool (sorry).
7. Fat Princess
Are you tired of all of those magazines making you feel insecure and out of shape? Don’t sweat it, it’s finally cool to be fat again! Gamers can finally be able to look up to and idolize this obese opposite of Marie Antoinette — she already ate most of the cake. Grab your forks now, though, because it’ll all be gone if you leave her in a room alone with it for much longer.
6. Zack Fair
We all have had those overachieving kids in our school that wanted to graduate by their sophomore year or wanted to get their degree by the time they were 17, right? Don’t worry, PSU Editor Eric Blattberg is that exact kid, so we all know at least one. Anyway, this is the type of guy those kids look up to — a young, fit, overachiever who can hold his own in a fight and train deadly SOLDIERS himself. Just look at Cloud Strife, would he be nearly as badass without this guy? I think not. I’m Cloud Strife to Eric’s Zack Fair, so I approve of this role model.
(Editor’s Note: I love you too, Dave)
5. Nathan Drake
Boyishly good looks, natural charm, witty rhetoric and a big shotgun make Nathan Drake a premium role model for your A-typical male. There is no doubt in my mind that Nathan was the AC Slater of his High School. While his motives are riches and his methods deadly, there is no denying that Drake loves the ladies. Still, while all of the girls would die to be the pins holding up this poster, any true blue-collared guy would give it all to live the lifestyle of Nathan Drake.
4. Cloud Strife
If ogres are like onions, then this heavily layered individual is definitely the parfait we all love. Cloud makes it alright to be the mysterious guy with insurmountable baggage. Whether you have a stalker ex-girlfriend, a mom who doesn’t realize you’re 36 now, or you’re just a very complex individual, Cloud is the perfect role model for you. Also, just look how big that sword is — that’s got to count for something.
3. Old Snake
One of the best parts of the PlayStation brand name is they let old guys of gaming, you know, the Pong lovers, know that they can still kick ass if they want to. Snake is a true testament that getting old doesn’t hold you back from being able to still achieve great things. This is what makes Snake such a great role model for the gaming geezers of the world. I mean, seriously, who else do they have to look up to, politicians?
2. Kratos
Your dad had He-Man, your mom had She-Ra, and now you have Kratos, the only difference being your role model could most certainly kick the crap out of their role models. Kratos may not have an action figure where his arms lift up if you squeeze his legs together, but who cares? He wouldn’t condone playing with dolls anyway. Rumor has it Rick Roll has a poster of this guy on his wall.
1. Lara Croft
There is no better choice in the world than Lara Croft for a young gamer girl to look to for inspiration. Lara has always been a highly confident, strong-minded female. This tall order of ass kicking has never taken trash from anyone without a nice plate of justice to be served up down the road. Inside of this — let’s face it — sexually desirable exterior, Lara has always displayed the true independence that a lot girls of this generation try to procure during their teen angst years. So, in the end, who better for them to look up to than this dual-wielding vixen?
Well there you have it. Ten class act role models for any PlayStation fan to pin up on the wall. Now that you’ve seen mine, I’d love to hear about your role models of choice. If any of you have someone you’d like to add to this list, just do so in the comment section below.