Valhalla Knights 3 Review: All 'Sexy Time,' no substance - a fan disservice
- Posted October 27th, 2013 at 11:21 EDT by Matt Fernandez
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Valhalla Knights 3 is an impressive concept, but poor execution, lame grinding, and exploitative "Sexy Time" events are a fan disservice.
- Cool class combinations
- Unique universe, exciting franchise future
- So much grinding
- Sexy Time events
- Poor presentation of an otherwise interesting story
One thing that Valhalla Knights 3 does take seriously is making everything, at some point or another, revolve around sex. Sex is a very common theme throughout Valhalla Knights 3, and the game's strange merchant system practically revolves around it. You can shop for weapons, items, and gear in two districts--the Slums and the Red Light District--and both sell the exact same stuff. In the latter, however, every merchant is female, and you're required to pay a certain sum of gold for the privilege of shopping every time you visit. So, why would you shop with the female merchants? For the "Sexy Time" events, presumably, though the result is pointless to gameplay and in rather poor taste, besides. After spending enough gold with a particular female merchant, you're treated to an event in which you tap on the girl's mostly naked body to fill Hearts that cause her to remove more articles of clothing. By building a "relationship" with merchants, through gift-giving, shopping, and grinding "Sexy Time" events, you'll eventually unlock a hotel room sequence in which the two of you consummate your feelings, some tidbits of backstory, and items of affection that are really only useful for selling right back to the girl who gave it. Prices don't change. New items aren't put up for sale. You'll still have to pay the merchant fee every time you visit. It's fan service in its most raw form, with little to no practical gameplay function.
It doesn't help that gold is hard to come by, and items, gear, and weapons are prohibitively expensive throughout the game. When you need to buy good gear for your party, be prepared to grind quests for hours (I personally recommend grinding "Seven's Request 1" because it nets you 3000 gold and doesn't take long compared to other repeatable quests).
If "Sexy Time," paying fees, and relationship building isn't your thing, you could always shop in the slums, though one hassle you'll always be stuck dealing with are Valhalla Knights' frustrating load times. The time it takes to load is bad enough, but in Valhalla Knights 3, loading happens at some of the weirdest times. For instance, you might experience an incredibly long load time before a brief, 10-second cutscene only to live that load time all over again when the scene ends. Loading screens are pretty frequent, too. Individual game areas aren't that big, so once you come out of a load screen, you might walk for a minute and go into another upon entering the next map.