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Confessions of a Trophy whore

18 April 2013

Welcome to PSU.com's hit series on the world of gaming. Join our hosts Skip Williams and Max Platinum as they give you the inside scoop on a myriad of topics in gaming. From how to catapult up the Trophy rankings to debating about the current console war, don't change that channel as there might even be some broken tables, because the debates get so hardcore!



Disclaimer: All likenesses used are for parody and/or satirical purposes.

Skip: Hello fans and viewers to another episode of Skip and Max’s Prime Time Gaming. As always I’m your host with the most, Skip Williams with the doctor of trophinomics, Max Platinum. This week is an intervention episode as Max bears his soul to the world. Last week he admitted he has a Trophy problem, a deep rooted addiction that consumes him to his very essence. Are you ready to tell your story to the world, Max?

Max: I think I am…I know I am, Skip. I need to shed light on this growing problem that no one talks about. I’ve overheard lots of stories around the water cooler of our own colleagues who are suffering from this addiction, and if I can help even one person come to grips with their own addiction through my story then I can sleep a little better at night.

Skip: This is the most serious I’ve ever seen you, Max. Can you tell us how your addiction started?

Max: Like most people I can’t give an exact time or a place when the cravings started becoming more than simple fun, how hearing that ding chime consumed my very essence and gaming time. What I can tell you is when I knew I had a problem.

Skip: Oh, what happened Max? What tipped you off?

Max: Last summer when we were commentating for the marathon tournament I found myself getting restless. I have titles and championships from my days as a Trophy hunting competitor, but experiencing that competition as a commentator made something in me snap. I was spending days playing bad games for Trophies. I wasn’t even in the competition but I wanted to feel the thrill of it again, like the long retired vet wanting one more moment of glory, if only symbolically. But this glory lust turned to nights waking up with a 24-pack of empty monster cans around me, and games like Ben 10 and Ha…Ha…Hannah Montana consuming my time.

Skip: That sounds terrible, Max. I feel for you, having to degrade yourself to playing Ben 10.

Max: I didn’t even have any fun, Skip. The Trophies were just so much easier than Final Fantasy 13. I just wanted to hear the ding, ding, ding, ding, echo in the room constantly. One Trophy an hour became a greedy craving for one every thirty minutes, and then one every fifteen minutes, and so on like a dam burst inside my skull. If I didn’t get at least twenty Trophies a day then I’d get the shakes, and feel depressed as if I wasted a potential day of Trophy hunting. Eating was a weakness I had to shed as those ten minutes to scarf down a bowl of cereal was time wasted that could net me an easy bronze Trophy.

Skip: Why come out now, Max? Why are you deciding to tell us your heart wrenching story tonight instead of last week or next week?

Max: I hit complete bottom, Skip, complete bottom. I passed out the other night in another one of my Monster and Trophy induced comas, having stayed up for 56 hours straight. For hours my girlfriend tried calling me, texting me, but in my delusional haze I either didn’t notice or didn’t care. It wasn’t until we were about to film last week’s episode that I saw her missed messages. The last one said she was leaving. My heart broke in two, shattered like it was made of glass and was thrown against a wall to never be reassembled. But who would want to date a guy who is constantly strung out on energy drinks and Trophies, caring more about an imaginary ding than a real ding?

Skip: How are your Trophies Anonymous meetings going, at least I’m assuming you are going to them?

Max: Humbling, Skip, very humbling. I’m hardly anonymous when I go to meetings, as our faces are plastered all over the Internet. I know other fellow commentators going through the same problems as me and ask them to seek out the help they need, or else they will fall from grace as hard as I have. Trophy addiction is a real addiction.

Skip: What are the warning signs that people should look out for, so they know fun Trophy hunting has turned into an addiction?

Max: The first warning sign is if you are playing bad games just for Trophies, and only for Trophies. If you wake up in the morning and would rather play Toy Story 3 than go to work, or skip going out with friends in order to finish a Hasbro Family Game night platinum by yourself, then that is a major warning sign.

Skip
: I have to be honest, Max, a lot of people on the Internet and viewers and fans at home are going to be skeptical to say the least. They are going to think you are a loser to make yourself get as run down as you did, and it is your own fault.

Max: I did this to myself. No one else is to blame. But ostricization is not the answer to help people like me, those who have gone into the deep, dark, abyss of the human mind, who had something switch in their head and make them crave something unobtainable. Have you ever wanted something so badly that you would do anything for it, Skip?

Skip: Well, yeah, everyone has something they always dreamed about. I just know my limits.

Max: My limit has been broken Max. I’ll tell you a deeply personal story, one of shame and personal denigration. I have no shame anymore. One night I rented five games from Gamefly, having made multiple accounts because I was flying through games so fast the service couldn’t keep up. I never got up from my chair for five days, having a ring of filth around my lazyboy chair for I had personified the name. Empty wrappers, energy drink cans, pizza boxes, all surrounded me. I had bought everything ahead of time and strategically placed them in convenient locations to help maximize gaming efficiency. If I was hungry I would take quick bites and swigs, letting the food and drink spill all over me like I was some fat slob wanting to live in my own mess. When I felt tired I took tape and taped my eyes open as if I were in some sick horror movie, re-taping every hour so it would stick. By the end of the five days I hadn’t finished my goal but I stopped only because a new set of games arrived.

Skip: Five days doesn’t sound too bad. A shower every few hours would do the trick to give you some energy.

Max: No Skip, I didn’t pussy out like those Guinness Marathons. Five days of literally no sleep and no moving, only gaming.

Skip: No moving, but how did you use the toilet?

Max: I had nose plugs ready for the smell. It became like a piece of skin after a few hours; a piece of moveable skin that strangely has a hypnotic, soothing feeling.

Skip
: You are disgusting, you know that right?

Max: I know, like I said I have no shame, no self-dignity anymore after that night. I had to tell this story to the world in order for those that need help to have a voice to support them.

Skip: We certainly appreciate your courage at coming forward to such a hostile environment. Tonight has touched on a very serious topic. If you or anyone you know suffers from any form of addiction, please seek out help. Don’t be ashamed and stay in the dark. You are not alone and can overcome it. Join us next week when we try to stay online forever. As always for Max Platinum, I’m Skip Williams saying good night and good gaming, live from the Tokyo Dome.

Missed an episode of the program? Check out the back issues to get up to speed. Love or hate the series? Follow me on Facebook, Twitter or email me at Dane.Smith@psu.com.


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