Edit: I know that's my fault,Kwes. That's why i'm studying hard. :P
Life sucks, but there are lots of ways to help with that. I grew up with abusive, drug-addled parents, never had much support, and ended up dropping out of school two years ago. I decided I still wouldn't settle for less, got two jobs, starting making enough money to fuel my video game habit, attempted to make something out of my love of writing and games and ended up freelancing here on PSU, started working out, matured my style of dress, got a cool girlfriend, and here I am. Bad stuff still happens to me all the time. Taking care of my grandfather right now, as he's recovering from two strokes, and it's not easy. But you have to take the good with the bad. And try your damnedest to make there be as much good in your life as possible.
We all need to learn to be as cool as Mickice and listen to Rush on his cassette Walkman. ^_^
There's a fundamental problem when you're grieving about your place in life when all you have done was make worse grades than last year. Grades are important but...they aren't the end of the world.
I am sorry to hear about your grandmother, but the first thing you should do is stop dwelling on big questions you are very likely to not be in any position to answer in this stage of your life. Nobody gets to the ultimate end goal without taking baby steps and that is how your critical thinking must operate.
Start at your most immediate, basic, and practical issues. So you made bad grades. Could you study harder? Could you be less lazy? Are certain things like habits, people, or activities distracting you? So you don't know where you are "going". Could you do more research on your interests so that you can have a plan for the next step? Could you find better people to talk to about what you could do (School staff members, other family members, etc.) If you can't find a specific concentration that drives you, what can you do to keep yourself moving forward in your education so that you are ready academically once you DO find out what drives you? No matter what your big questions are in life, satisfy your immediate needs and your broad-level concerns will be met in due time. It's important to have broad-level concerns but it is impractical to dwell too much on them. Doing so makes you overlook the smaller and more immediate needs that are absolutely necessary to position yourself toward reaching those broad-level goals. This dwelling will also force you into disappointment; no step-by-step mindset means little to no progress and lack of progress means disappointment.
Keep in mind that you are 19. The younger you are, the more pressing it is to not focus too hard on big things like where you'll be at 30 as your life has only just started and you have much step-by-step-building to do.
Thanks for the post. I was about to pretty much delete my post with a "nevermind" edit in fear of not making sense.
Anyway, it's normal to feel like that when you are steadily going backwards, so I feel you on that. I think we both know that you aren't worse off, though (unless you literally have a serious mental condition with no cure or something), so don't give up.
One thing worth noting is that dealing with a bigger problem through its basic issues allows you to build hope/motivation, as you set yourself up with goals that are much more attainable. With each mark off the checklist, you are more likely to build a more positive outlook as you recognize you are making real progress toward getting over the end obstacle. In other words, if you feel like you're washed up, you will feel less of that if you pick yourself up piece by piece rather than being stunned into that feeling from looking at the entire mess.
Remember to always love!. Not your forbidden love towards, DayDreDetox but to yourself as that will give you a clearer conscious!. All this negativity is holding you back and making you imagine that you're a failure just for not properly following what professors want you to think.
I'll go ahead and say that you're smart enough to conquer this. Not saying this because I know you but because we are part of the human race, each individual is more then capable of achieving the highest goals imaginable but there are a multitude of variables that hold each one back, the vast majority of them has nothing to do with you so there isn't anything holding you back.
True story a great coach once told me. This college coach had two twins on his team. Billy and Tom. They both were equally skilled basketball players but Billy was falling behind in his grades, skipping classes, missing assignments, and coming late to practice and just not focusing and thus not playing or living up to his potential. Tom on the other hand was getting great grades and really making a difference on the team. Again both identical twins. Coach told his assistant to call them both in and one at a time sat them down. First he asked Billy what's going on? Your failing, your late, you just don't have it together son....what's going on? Billy proceeded to say "Coach, you see my home life hasn't been so great. My dad drinks...a lot...and he would yell at us...and beat my mom. He gambled and drank all our money and mom worked two jobs and we didn't get to see her much and things are just bad. I've had it so bad and its hard. I think of how bad life is and well school is hard and playing basketball is tougher than I thought. Well coach I just don't think I can cut it. Considering how bad everythings been and how bad my dad was its just harder than it is for me than everyone else. It's because of my dad things are like they are Coach. Coach said ok son. Thank you for sharing with me. Send your brother in.
Tom comes in and Coach says son I just want to say you been a great influence on the team. You hustle, you do all the small things we ask, your on time, you work hard, the teachers say your doing great in class. I wonder what is it that you attribute to your success. Tom says well Coach You see my dad is an alcoholic. He beats me and my brother and my mom. He spends all our money and moms always doing all she can to keep us fed and clothed and we never see her. Its terrible situation Coach. But the reason I work so hard is because well...because of my dad. I don't want to be like him. I see all that and I don't want that for my life and I NEVER want to be like that. I'm going to make something of myself and make sure my family and kids never have to face that. Coach said thank you son. I appreciate your honesty.
Moral of the story...it isn't what happens to you...it isn't the adversity in life (because trust me we all got our own demons) but its how we move on from them...the choices we make and how we react to them is the true character of a man. Everyone has a choice and confronted with trials its the choice we make and how we move forward that is the measure of that man. I don't know your situation...and I'm not going to judge. All I can say is its your choice in how the story ends. Its your choice in how to react to these situations. You decide the man you will be by how you react and move forward. You can't stop pain or bad things...you can't control life...but you can control how you handle life. It's up to you.
In regards to school. Not everyone is cut out far the same paths in life. Perhaps you are meant for a technical school...a trade school...whatever the case you can overcome any obstacle by simply not allowing them to define your life. You define it by your reactions to them.
P.S. The Coach was Bobby Knight. (Perhaps many here aren't fans but he has had a great influence personally on my life)