Taking a Dump (most hilarious)

[sergeriver]

This is so hilarious. I received it from my cousin.

Taking a Dump:

I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven't you need more fiber.....

The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your *** look like "a Japanese Flag".

The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little ******* just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

[TommyFewty]

LOL ! My mate had a t-shirt listing a few of these and it brought back fond memories

[metalhead]

Lol, I just did a perfect dump like a week ago.

[VintageElise]

Haha that made me LOL. Fair play to the people who write these.

[Xelis]

Something little will talk about but most can relate to.

[Lunar_Chaos]

Hmm... I think I did everything on that list.

[Shaunyac]

I just love the perfect dump, so......perfect

[Sylar]

Something little will talk about but most can relate to.

Haha too true. Shame they missed out the Mud Slap one

[Eric Johnson]

The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

OMFG! I can't stop laughing!

[Pgsley]

That was hilarious ive had all of those happen before

[SessDMC]

Mine must have been the worst beer dump ever then, the MY **** WAS BLACK, LITERALLY AM LIKE WTH?!

[Solid_Squirrel]

The Perfect Dump

These are soooo awesome have them most of the time too!

The Childbirth Dump

Had a couple of these
the last one I had was earlier this year and I nearly passed out in the middle of it, Was in the bathroom for nearly a hour because of it

Felt like I was butt raped for 2 weeks afterwards

[Jaeger]

I experienced a childbirth dump just last week. So goddamn painful.

[Killller]

The last few really made me laugh.

I hate when poop splashes and sends a geyser up my ***.

[Killller]

Edit: ****, double post. Silly forums.

[Gilly3]

argh i cant stop thinking of this thread when i go to the dunny now.

[SoDev]

I experienced a childbirth dump just last week. So goddamn painful.

But it feels soooo good when it drops!

Ahhh, wheew *relaxes muscles*

[Thorzilla]

OMG childbirth, I swear I call them like that too. They are so ****ing painful man. Feels like a full rock coming down the place where sun never shines upon.

[Lethalmind]

The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores....

I've had this one. It's a pain in the *** ladies and gentlemen

[Icc]

just had a perfect one. it was nice

[roosters93]

Never had a perfect one wtf.

[Kopkiwi]

That's too funny. Brilliant, the perfect dump was hilarious and so true.

[The Sith]

Promental****backwashpsychosisenemasquad (p.e. squad) the doo doo chasers friends of the roto rooter...one wipe is a clean wipe.

[Sektor]

OMG I am in tears laughing at this XD


I think I've had all of these =S

[Danny2304]

Brilliant +rep

So true every one of them.