Curious, what did you say when she asked if you thought your ex may have moved on?
Another question, are you over your ex? I know for me, I'm not. I don't think I will be having that convo in my situation this soon. I do just really enjoy her company right now. It's really nice and I can see things are definitely moving towards that. I think right now I am confused on my feelings and not sure what direction to go. The last thing I want to do is hurt my friend because my feelings for her were more based on lust and not something more.
I guess for you Thor, go with what your heart feels. I know its crummy advice, but even with the friend where the relationship ended badly, I was happy I did it. I did lose a good friend, but it's a gamble when friends develop feelings. Personally, I think it's hard sometime for guys and girls to exist as friends (not saying its not possible). If both people are attracted to each other and if they are single, it's hard to ignore. Really though, think this one through.
In my experience, girls have loved it when I text them here or there seeing how they are. I've been told it's "thoughtful". Of course too many times and it's pushy, but from what you say doesn't sound like it.
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Last edited by Sir_Scud; 03-01-2012 at 00:01.
Anyways, back from the beach and lunch that afternoon when we were heading home, I told her I had a blast with her again, had great laughs and took a leap of faith: I told her that since she prefers upstraight and honest guys, I told her that I was interested in us getting to know each other better. I don't know if it was a dumb move or not, but I felt that was the perfect timing. Although she didn't say a yes or no right away, she did tell me something like "we'll keep in touch and talk about it over a cup of coffee". That was this Sunday and I've been silent ever since to give her some room after stepping into her space like that. Did I do well you think? I'm just clueless as to when I should message her again. We had been messaging almost on a nightly basis for about 2-3 weeks. I just let things cool down after dropping the little bomb.
As for getting over my ex...I was also in the same situation as this girl, since I had lost the feeling about 2 or more months before we broke up. My breakup was fairly decent since we both agreed to this, but it hurt a lot. I am a lot better now, although I do have two or three days a month where I feel down about it. Actually I had a dream about her last night. Being with this new lady though has done a lot of good for me. Talking to someone close to my ex has made me understand so many things. That's why I've been holding on a little, since I'd hate to lose her as a friend in case something goes wrong.
Funniest thread EVER!!20...
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If I were you, I'd move on. She's clearly not good enough. You can find someone wholly better, I'm sure.
Do you think it's typically up to the guy to make the move then? And is it best to build something up rather than just going straight in and asking a girl out?
I'm trying to get an impression for potential future girls.
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As for building things up, I really think it depends on the girl. Some girls like straightforwardness (wow, that's a word?), while others like to take things slowly. Most girls won't mind you sharing how you feel, though, so long as you don't make it seem like you're over-eager and wanting something right away.
But let's be honest... With women, it's all a big guessing game.
(Same goes for men, too, I suppose.)
Don't overthing, don't overthing, don't overthing...I'll write that down
I think you handled the situation pretty well. She may have not given you a direct answer, but she's definitely thinking about it. You are definitely being straightforward and making your intentions well known as to not create any confusion in the future. Schaff is right about the in person stuff, and like you said, don't overthink just do. Best of luck and hope whenever that chat comes it goes well.
Appreciate that man. Restraint is not necessarily the easiest thing to do, but I'll see where this all takes me.
For your question, I don't think it's the guy's responsibility, but traditionally it is. Not to mention many girls will rather have it this way anyways. Many girls, if they like the guy, would be just as nervous to ask him out that they hide behind, "well if he likes me, he will ask me out" category. Which is exactly why some guys end up being friend zoned because they like a girl and wait too long. Girls are "master hinters" I've noticed. When they think they are being obvious about stuff, sometimes it's actually way more cryptic than they thought.
Damnit, so, little update. I did message her last night to check back on her. She said she was doing cool but she mentioned something that kinda shook me up. Even though we've met silently, she told me my ex had found out that we have been seeing each other here and there a few times and now thinks we're already more than friends. Apparently my ex has been pretty troubled by that and this lady wants to talk to her since she doesn't want her to get the wrong idea about us.
So, wait...what? She knows my intentions. She didn't answer a yes or a no the other day yet she is going to tell her friends that we are nothing more than friends. Is this the no she didn't tell me? Is she doing this just to make my ex feel better so we can keep going out silently again? I downright told her that I never meant to hurt my ex, but that I don't regret it one bit since we've had a blast together and I'd love to keep spending more time with her, hanging out. I guess that left my intentions even clearer now. However, I'm not the kind of pushy guy that will force her to being with me of course, so I told her that I don't want her to break her friendship with my ex, and also told her that I don't want her to feel uneasy or guilty when we hang out together. To resolve this thing in person, I told her we should meet and chat it over a cup of coffee downtown or something. She didn't deny that and actually answered pretty positively.
Anyway, either I handled the situation today like a smooth criminal or like a complete idiot...
What does all this mean? I'm so confused...
I don't mean to disregard Thor and others but not answering direct to them, but it seems that others are giving better advice than I could.
So, Sir_Scud, in your opinion, it's best to ask a girl out on an actual date, rather than a casual get-together, sooner rather than later, in order to avoid potentially (more often than not) being put in the dreaded "friend zone"?
And yes, sooner is better than later. You can never be certain of what "competition" you may have. I have a few close female friends and the way their mind works boggles me. They can be red hot for a guy one week, and the next week think nothing of him. So by getting together sooner, that increases the chances they stay interested.
Hope that helps. Still can expand on that if necessary.
Since you guys have been seeing each other silently, of course your ex is going to be curious. And this is where the tough questions come, Thor. I admire you for not wanting to hurt her, but honestly, in life you only live once and must do what makes you happy. From what I remember when I saw you post problems in your last relationship, you were really unhappy. If you really think this new girl is something special, I think that is something you fight for.
Overall, I think you handled the situation well, very mature. Not being pushy is exactly the right call IMO. Your intentions are clear, and the ball is in your friend's court. I am going to go back and look at all your posts again to really understand the situation. I just wanted to get you a quick reply.
When you do have coffee, make things clear, but maybe don't go overboard. If you are very mature, straightforward and clear with her, she will see that. Even if she tells you no, maybe her friendship will be good for you. And honestly, you don't know what the future could hold down the road. Girls overthink even more than guys I've noticed. Human beings are just insane.
Ok so I think I need to say to hell with this girl. The one I sent a friend request to. The request is still active it has NOT been denied. But she has been on facebook, clearly because there's new stuff posted on her wall. So I can draw a couple conclusions.
A. She must be blind and has legitimately not seen my message(she isn't blind so maybe just stupid)
B. She has chosen to not respond but not deny the request either.
C. She's stalling and has no clue how to respond because she is so hoplessly in love with me she can't believe I'm messaging her (not likely ).
D. Some other possibly I'm not thinking of right now.
I won't send a second message because I shouldn't have to. Plus if she has chosen to ignore me, sending her multiple messages might force her into a response. A response she only gives to be polite and then after that doesn't talk to me anymore.
Focus. Control. Conviction. Resolve. A true ace lacks none of these attributes. Nothing can deter you from the task at hand except your own fears. This is your sky.
Ive never written here but i guess i can give it a try.
I'm having some problems with my gf or rather had for some years. It's like we are on opposite sides of a coin and just love each other from experience rather than from love. I'm a musician and always been kind of, and ive gone to school studying production and so forth, but for years she still doesnt understand me or my fascination about music, the flipside is that ive kind of given up on my creativity to give her time to "spend" with her, and in some sense lost myself in the process. It's hard to explain it all but its a mess, I haven't been very fun either because of my anger with myself during the last few couple of years. It's sort of in a climax now when she told me she couldn't deal with my "problems" anymore and that she wants to "do" stuff. I just feel like im giving stuff upp for someone but that im just kicking myself in the head in the process.. ugh.
Ok Thor, I hunted down your old posts about your ex to get a more concise post. There's just so much there that I could easily write an essay. I just want to say I mean no disrespect, but I'm just looking out for you.
I started with your story about your ex gf when you guys were still going out. How you felt belittled, used, and how she always got what she wanted. How she played her power trip when you just wanted to hang out with your friends during your birthday (ie not all night). How she played mind games telling you "how you didn't care". I will say looking back you always took the high road, but man, she did a facebook break up on you for $#@!sakes, I mean that's really mature!
I will say its very admirable that you don't want to hurt her, but man, she did a lot it seems to make you miserable. After 2 years nobody deserves that treatment. Honestly, from what you wrote it sounds like you really put in a lot more effort than you got out.
Now why am I bringing all that up? Because Thor, you deserve a woman who will treat you right. Do not let your ex handicap you of that. Do you honestly think she would do the same? I'm not even saying this current girl will be the one that does all that, but I stand by what I said earlier. I once made a promise that I'd always be there for one girl that I dated because I loved her. And guess what? I did. Even after dating, and a few months later she found a new guy and I basically felt like her used little toy.
Thor, I can't see you going wrong if you just be yourself, be mature during coffee, etc. When it comes to your ex, yeah I don't $#@!ing doubt you cared for her, but that's the past man. You have no obligation to her any longer and if you want to find happiness with another woman it shouldn't $#@!ing matter if it was even her sister. She's your ex because she treated you like $#@!. If she didn't, you would still be dating. This isn't selfish. This is something all humans strive for in life and never deny it because someone might not like it.
Sorry to write so much Thor, but I'm just trying to help.
Sorry man, sounds like she just doesn't care at all. I think Sylar has the best response to the situation.
Seriously Scud, thanks man, I really needed some of this. Can I offer you a sig+avy set in compensation?
Thor buddy, you'll certainly find someone better. Someone you deserve. Relationships aren't perfect, but there comes a time when you have to take a step back and analyze things outside your heart and the "love" you have for someone as that love can, at times, blind you from seeing the truth. The truth of the matter is, she doesn't deserve your heart... and it seems from reading prior posts that she's not mature enough to handle a relationship with a guy like you. You're ready for an adult relationship with a woman that acts like an adult. You're too old for head games, this isn't Freshman year of high school anymore. Keep an open heart and an open mind. My only advice to you is... with each new relationship you have... whether it's a friendship or a romantic involvement... always... ALWAYS begin new relationships with a clean slate. Everyone deserves a new beginning and beginnings shouldn't be tainted by a weary past. Trust that person until they give you a reason not to. Love fully and completely even at the risk of being hurt... because it's the only way to truly love someone. I know a lot of people that use their past as an excuse to not move forward in their relationship(s) and it's not fair to the other person. I've been almost married before, but my fiance turned out to be a cheating skankzilla, but I have not let that affect my present relationships. After all, I don't think any woman could be as evil as her (she "made up" men [fake MySpace pages, etc.] to try and make me jealous, she was a loon... lol).
You'll be good, man. You're a good guy. You deserve someone worthy of your affection.“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything - anger, anxiety, or possessions - we cannot be free.”
That was always one thing that bothered me the most was the other person not willing to talk... about ANYTHING. It's like how can you expect me to grow with you if I'm the only one doing the letting in? It's nonsense. It's hard to have a relationship with a brick wall.“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything - anger, anxiety, or possessions - we cannot be free.”
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