Hilarious emails.

[LastManDancing]

I received some pretty funny emails today and thought i'd share the humor, some of these people might have seen these already.

***Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg ,* * *

***'Hello?'** *


***'Hi honey .* * *
***This is Daddy.** *
***Is Mommy near the phone?'** *


***'No, Daddy .* * *
***She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'** *


***After a brief pause,** *


***Daddy says ,* * *
***'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'** *


***'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,* * *
***Right now.'** *


*Brief Pause. *


***'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do .* * *
***Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs** *
***And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy** *
***That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'** *


***'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'** *


***A few minutes later** *
** *The little girl comes back to the phone.** *


***'I did it, Daddy.'** *


***'And what happened, honey?' ** *


*'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.** *


***Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser** *
** *And now she isn't moving at all!'** *


***'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'** *


***'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too .* * *


***He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window** *
** *And into the swimming pool .** *
***But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water** *
***Last week to clean it.** *


***He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'** *




******Long Pause***** *






******Longer Pause***** *






******Even Longer Pause***** *






***Then Daddy says,** *




***' Swimming pool ? ...........** *



***Is this 486-5731 ?'* *




***No, I think you have the wrong number......... *





The Rancher
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew little about ranching, so decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the
house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing
well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You
should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed
and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no
hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said. Trembling, he did as
she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so
slowly.



'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra...' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he
was told and dropped it to the floor.



Then she looked at him and said,

'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'




Subject: Fwd: Camel Sex

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a
camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel
was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on
the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why
we have the Molly the Camel.'

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with
passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a
ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants
down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No not really, sir... They usually just ride the camel into town where the
girls are.'



Doctor John had sex with one of his patients but felt very guilty. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "John, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients, and you won't be the last...and you're single. Just let it go, John. "

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "John, you're a veterinarian, you sick *******."


[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxtgLzi-aK0"]YouTube - Video of Nadya Suleman Giving Birth[/ame]

[richie217]

+ Rep, had heard a couple of them before. Camel one was funny.

[Serinous]

Haha the phone call one was funny.

[Kopkiwi]

The first one is brilliant.

[DonMare]

Heard most of them before, but still funny.
First time I've seen the Jimmy Kimmel video.

+rep

[Kopkiwi]

That baby video is bloody funny, especially when he picks up the tray.

[pinkflamingoes]

Haha these are soo good, loved all of them

[joshuam]

lmfao
funny stuff

[GRX Dragon]

Good ones... +rep!

[ScorpionT16]

lol... the first one was too jks.

[Xy]

lol... the first one was too jks.

You can say that again..

That was funny! What a disaster that would be..

[.:XterminatoR:.]

the phone was funny as hell! lol!

[advancednewbie]

hahahha!
i loved the first one!!! hilarious!

imagine if that really happened...jeez ahha

[Mopey.]

The camel one was great.