Funny life stories.

[Silver_Knight]

LET ME KNOW YOUR SECRETS NAO!!! I'll tell you one in exchange for one of my mind. Anyways, i home alone by myself one day because my grandma and my mother went off grocery shopping. I was some playin' cod mw2 and i was sweaty because it was hot in my room and i have been immobilized for like 8 hours of just kick a$$ on COD. So i decided to take a long, hot, relaxing bath and as soon as i get in the hot water i realize there's no towel. Anyways, i hop out of the shower and i go to the laundry to get one and i'm just letting my slong catch some air.I was coming back from the laundry room when something caught my eye and it was a tape measure and i got the bright idea to measure how big my penis was. (Everyone here knows it huge) so i take the tape measure to the room and i see how big it is. Anyways, i got out the bath, dried off, got comfy, and resumed playing COD MW2.

My mother and grandma arrives back and beeps the horn so i can help with the grocery. I was doing good and was reluctant to back out but i eventually did after yelling one more kill to them when they we're opening the door. So i get the grocery up and comment on the things i got that was my favorite like chocolate milk, cheese, and fried chicken. (I would love some chocolate mil right now), and i thank my granny for buying it. Lastly, i went to play some call of duty and my about a hour or 2 later my grandma calls me in there asking if i seen the tape measure and of course i lie through my teeth. She then says, jokingly, it doesn't just grow legs and walk away. So i'm play mw2 again after being flooded with guilt i suddenly have a flash back and remember that i left it in the bathroom. Seem normally i would just go get it and it wouldn't been a problem but knowing my luck my mother is talking about taking a bath. So i do some king of speed walk to the bathroom and she's like" Boy, you have your bathroom go use that one" and "I'm about to take a bath" and i'm like fuck me in my head because i know she will find it.

My mother turns on the bath water and then she get's in the tub. *Water turns off* she get's out the tub and comes in living room with the tape measure. She said" i found it mother" *grandma looks at her daughter, which is my mom* and says" how the world did it get in there?!" My mother then looks at me with the funniest expression. *grandma looks at me* and it's like she just had a revelation because she knew i used it in the bathroom. I then intervened before the question was asked and i said i was using it to measure my penis. *I walk off* there both giggling.

Ps i'm not sorry for grammar. It was a lot of writing and i started NOT to give a f**k after the first word.

How i got the name early bird.

This is rather a funny story but really embarrassing one for me. I want to tell you guys that i masturbate quiet a lot. My friend, jessica, and i made a bet that i could not go a year without masturbating and of course i took her on with this bet. The bet came about one day when i came (lol) out the shower and said "that felt good" and she laughed. I asked her what's so funny and she said, "you couldn't go a day without masturbating!" I looked and her and said i could go longer than that. She said,"how about a year" and naturally i said, "challenge accepted". *A year passes by" okay, so now a year is gone by and her friend, Brittany, really like me. Now this girl came over a lot and we we're getting pretty close. Every time she would come over she would tease me by getting on top of me and act like she's gonna kiss me or just say something provocative to me. So one day i told her not to do that to me and then it got serious. I know this made sound corny right here but here it is. I mean she just said okay because i wouldn't pay her any attention.

So she left and came back that night and we was all joking and watching family guy. All fun times over her i was thinking. Then we all went to sleep and i was on the bed and she told me she was coming to sleep with me on my bed. I was like okay so i was facing the wall but she had plenty of room to get over though. She lays down and it gets quiet and i feel her start to move her a$$ on me. Like in a slow belly dance kinda way so i can a major woody and she then grips it and says the famous "you wanna do it tonight" and not even with a response i got for it.I pull down her jammies down along with her panties and i'm naked now also. She get's on top for like ten seconds and grabs my penis and then enters it into her clitoris. My mind is being blown because i haven't had sex in a year so i'm like let's do it doggy. I roll her into that position and nail onto it for 5 seconds and i feel a year of cum cumming up and i whip it out and throw all of it on her back. I'm totally embarrassed so i get up and go to the bathroom to whipe up and jessica turns on the light and says, "that fast?" *she laughs* and i resume going to the bathroom embarrassed.

I come back and jessica is wiping the cum off her back with MY SOCK! them two we're whispering and laughing before i walked in the room and i presume it was about MY EARLY FINISH I'm blushing and trying to act macho talking about a hitting that tomorrow because i could go longer. Meanwhile, there laughing there heads off. That's the story. I would like to mention that they threw the sock with my cum on it on the bed i was sleeping on. smh

[imINxile]

Well as a construction worker, I carry a tape measure every day..my dimensions, make me sad lol

[Silver_Knight]

Well as a construction worker, I carry a tape measure every day..my dimensions, make me sad lol

For sure. Measuring your penis with a measuring tape, it's always depressing,when you reach how long you are because you look how much is left of the measuring tape thus you really inferior.

[Kuro]

I'll share a couple.

Alright when I was 6 or 7 I was playing with a lighter. Yeah stupid i know and I lit the couch cushion on fire. Here comes my Gramps rushing to put it out. So I'm like oh shit he's gonna give me an ass whooping once he puts it out. So I jet set to the bathroom and locked that motherfucker fast and I stayed there for an hour. I still got an ass whooping as he was right there with a big ass stick cane.

I was 9 riding my bike with my gramps and I was trying to balance it and there is a guy talking to his friend leaning aganist the car window with his ass out. I lost control of the bike and rammes into his ass(no homo ) He flew backwards and I fell into the grass hurt because the tire hit my groan. I have a shit ton of stories I don't wanna embarrass myself any more haha.

[Silver_Knight]

I'll share a couple.

Alright when I was 6 or 7 I was playing with a lighter. Yeah stupid i know and I lit the couch cushion on fire. Here comes my Gramps rushing to put it out. So I'm like oh shit he's gonna give me an ass whooping once he puts it out. So I jet set to the bathroom and locked that motherfucker fast and I stayed there for an hour. I still got an ass whooping as he was right there with a big ass stick cane.

I was 9 riding my bike with my gramps and I was trying to balance it and there is a guy talking to his friend leaning aganist the car window with his ass out. I lost control of the bike and rammes into his ass(no homo ) He flew backwards and I fell into the grass hurt because the tire hit my groan. I have a shit ton of stories I don't wanna embarrass myself any more haha.

You got distracted by his sexy ass and lost control. i know what really happened!

[Kuro]

Oh yeah totally Dat Ass made me lose control

[Silver_Knight]

Oh yeah totally Dat Ass made me lose control

I'm gonna update the op on how i got the name early bird

[Chille]

Most of mine are funny but incredible painful life stories! So lets dig in!!!

As a kid I used to love swimming and as the water would help my walking issues, we used to go all the time, one day when I was about 4 nearly 5 I jumped from a deck, into a pool not noticing I was in shallow end, near the stairs, smashing both my legs lol.

Or how about the time I got my first scooter, was about 13ish was going down the hill in peasolm park, hit the breaks to fast, smashed my head on the cement *about 7mph* skidded all the way down the hill head first, into the lake lol,lucky I didnt fall into it.

When doctor's found out what happened *and medics saw the crack in the floor where my head hit* they were suprised to find I hadnt even bruised my skull lol

[Kuro]

Early Bird Huh?
Ouch..Damn Chille!

[Chille]

Early Bird Huh?
Ouch..Damn Chille!

Oh and if you have a friend thats 19 stone, dont let him jump on your back from a childs playground, when your 15, its quite painful

[keefy]

New years eve me and some friends Went clubbing in Skegness and I lost my car keys so at the end of the night about 6am with load of people leaving we broke into my car luckily a back window was open a crack so I pushed it down and climed in, broke the stering lock hotwired it and drove off hastily.
On the way home I had to pass thrugh a toll booth for a bridge the guy saw all the wires dangling about from the steering column but said nothing.

Yes I stole my own car.

[Kuro]

Oh and if you have a friend thats 19 stone, dont let him jump on your back from a childs playground, when your 15, its quite painful

Advice taken bro
Damn Silver I'll give you props for being that open with your sex life "Early bird"

[Silver_Knight]

Advice taken bro
Damn Silver I'll give you props for being that open with your sex life "Early bird"

I'm usually always a open person. I figure i will never meet any of you so i'll be fine.

@Keefy I know that guard was like wtf. I can't wait to i have a story like that.

[DeviousOne]

Wow great range of stories... I got to think and see what funny ones I have most of mine most likely involve me being wasted lol

[Silver_Knight]

Wow great range of stories... I got to think and see what funny ones I have most of mine most likely involve me being wasted lol

LOL i have zero wasted stories and that's because i don't drink. It's time to pick up a habit so i can have some variety.

[keefy]

Well its Friday so go buy some booze and comeback in 24 hours and tell us what happened.

Needless to say I wasnt wasted in my story because I was driving.

[Cybertox]

Ok here we go.

1. When i was about 6 years old my family went swimming to our pool. I was just swimming and having fun with my swim safety gear on. Afterwards as i decided to take a break from swimming i went out of the pool and took the swim safety gear away. After some time i decided to jump into the pool, however i completely forgot that i had no safety gear anymore so i just jumped, my mother realized that and immediately dive into the pool to rescue me. When i got pulled out of the water the first thing i said was: (proudly) Mama, when i was underwater i didnt even cry once! Like A Bo$$.

2. I was about 13 years old and at that day was very bored and horny. I decided to google things like sexy bikini girls, brunettes with big breasts and all that stuff. Afterwards after looking at all those pictures i decided to play warcraft 3. Suddenly my mother comes in and says that she has to search something on the internet and that it wont take long, i agreed and just stood near her while she started using the comp. My mom clicks on the google search field and suddenly all the previous search tags appeared like brunettes with big breasts etc. ( i forgot to clear the history) after seeing that my mother turns to me and looks at me, i made a poker face and said: Hurry up i want to play some warcraft

[Silver_Knight]

Ok here we go.

1. When i was about 6 years old my family went swimming to our pool. I was just swimming and having fun with my swim safety gear on. Afterwards as i decided to take a break from swimming i went out of the pool and took the swim safety gear away. After some time i decided to jump into the pool, however i completely forgot that i had no safety gear anymore so i just jumped, my mother realized that and immediately dive into the pool to rescue me. When i got pulled out of the water the first thing i said was: (proudly) Mama, when i was underwater i didnt even cry once! Like A Bo$$.

2. I was about 13 years old and at that day was very bored and horny. I decided to google things like sexy bikini girls, brunettes with big breasts and all that stuff. Afterwards after looking at all those pictures i decided to play warcraft 3. Suddenly my mother comes in and says that she has to search something on the internet and that it wont take long, i agreed and just stood near her while she started using the comp. My mom clicks on the google search field and suddenly all the previous search tags appeared like brunettes with big breasts etc. ( i forgot to clear the history) after seeing that my mother turns to me and looks at me, i made a poker face and said: Hurry up i want to play some warcraft

I have had the same experience. I lost it when you said, "i made a poker face", because i recall doing the same thing perfectly.

[keefy]

When I was 13 Google didn't exist.