Why Nice Guys and Gals Finish Last

[DeviousOne]

I received a lot of good feedback on my last article discussing How I Learned to Have a Satisfying Relationship. The messages of taking personal responsibility to become a valuable mate, learning to make others trade fairly, and finding internal validation, all seemed to make a connection with readers. However, I had a few readers who still had some questions.

Some of the questions came from a group of people I call Nice Guys and Gals. These people do everything for others. They do everything they believe they are "supposed" to do for their lovers. Yet, time and time again, their partners abandon them, overlook them, mistreat them, and generally fail to love them back.

Nice guys and gals are completely confused by these outcomes. They cannot understand how they can, at least theoretically, do everything right - yet have the situation turn out so wrong. They cannot understand why their good behavior doesn't lead to love and respect. After all, we're all "told" that is how it is supposed to work. Bring someone flowers or cook them dinner and they love you forever... Not quite!

Well, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I was a nice guy. Heck, I think I was THE nice guy. I was that clueless guy, doing everything I was told to do by society and romantic comedies, and it was not working. I gave lovers everything and got no gratitude for it. I did the "good" boyfriend and husband thing...and it all fell apart. I learned firsthand that such nice behavior didn't work.

But, I eventually found the answers!
Why Nice Guys Finish Last (and Nice Gals Too)!

The first step to seeing this clearly is to temporarily put aside any frustration and bitterness. If you are reading this, you probably have a story of your own to tell. You may have been treated badly. You might have been picked over for someone who seemed clearly inferior to you. Why would "your guy" go for that high-maintenance, promiscuous woman? Why would "your gal" dump you for that unemployed felon?

Well, there is a reason. Your partner (or their gender) is not stupid. The world has not turned upside down. There are simple influence principles at work here. These principles make the "inferior people" look valuable and you not-so-much. Let us take a look at them further and see why nice people finish last...
1) Nice People Do Not Make Their Partners Invest

When we do nice things for others, we invest in them and the relationship. Those investments of time, effort, and money tend to build up over time. Those investments also make us feel that our date or mate is valuable, that we love them, and we are committed to that relationship. This is called the principle of "sunk costs". Doing favors for others and treating them well, leads us to value and love them.

However, the reverse is not true. The receiver of good treatment does not always feel love for the giver. In fact, they may feel manipulated, burdened, or just generally ungrateful. Love cannot be bought or earned.

Given that, whoever is doing the favors will fall in love. But, whoever is receiving the favors probably will not fall in love. The person that invests feels love. The person receiving the investment may not feel anything. Get the picture?

Nice folks are on the losing end of this deal. They do all of the "doing". They are the ones waiting on their partner, doing good deeds, buying gifts, paying for meals, etc. As a result, they have a lot of love (sunk costs) for their date or mate. But, their partner has not invested. They have not given a thing. So, they are not at all in love or committed.

Contrast this with the demanding bad boy or diva... They are always making demands and requests of a partner. They require being pampered, waited on, and appeased. They make their partners INVEST. So, their partners have a ton of sunk costs. Thus, their partners fall in love with them and feel committed.

Moral of the story - don't be "nice" and do everything. Make your partner invest in you and the relationship too. Remember, when they DO FOR YOU, is when they fall in love. If they refuse to invest in the relationship, however, then they may never love you back.

2) Nice People Reward Bad Behavior

People learn from the consequences of their behavior. When they perform a behavior and are rewarded, they tend to do the same thing again. In contrast, when they perform a behavior and are punished, they tend to shy away from that behavior in the future. Pretty simple...

Well, nice people tend to treat their dates and mates very well. All the time. EVEN, when they don't deserve it. No matter how a partner is treating them, the nice person will continue to treat them well.

The nice person often "thinks" that such good treatment will one day be recognized. That it will snap the partner out of their bad behavior. Turn the other cheek and all that. But, they fail to recognize what they are TEACHING their partner by treating them well under all conditions.

In essence, by being nice all the time, they are rewarding their partner for bad behavior. If you cook him dinner on the nights he disrespects you, then you have rewarded and encouraged that behavior to continue. If you take her out on the nights she is grumpy and nagging, you have ensured that she will do it again.

Not-so-nice people have better boundaries. They only reward partners when they earn those rewards. They also ignore partners when they are disrespectful or bad. This teaches dates or mates what they will and will not tolerate. It lets them know what is expected of them.

As a result, nice people get walked all over. By being nice all the time, they actually encourage others to treat them badly. They reward those who mistreat them and make the behavior more likely in the future. If they were selective in their rewards - and occasionally withholding - they would receive better treatment in return. They would also be more respected by others.

3) Nice People Are Too Available

We all have mental shortcuts that help in our decision-making. One of these shortcuts is the rule of scarcity. Generally, we believe whatever is scarce, or requires work to obtain, is valuable. Whatever is easy to get, or common, is probably cheap. While this is not always true, it is true enough of the time that it becomes a common, unconscious assumption. It is applied to everything...even people.

Unfortunately for nice people, they are anything but scarce. They are eager to please. They are always agreeable to dropping their life and rushing over to their date or mate. They make time, dote, acquiesce, and try to be as convenient and easy as possible.

Their hope is that this behavior will lead to gratitude and respect. By making themselves available to a partner and removing inconveniences, they hope to make love easier. Instead, however, they come off as needy, get taken for granted, and become overlooked. In other words, they are the opposite of scarce and hard to earn. So, all of the available behavior actually makes them seem low value and worthless.

The bad boy or diva, in contrast, is always "hard to get". They are never available, always cancelling plans, and make lovers do things their way. They do nothing but neglect and inconvenience their lovers. Yet, their lovers find them alluring, tempting, and attractive (much to the confusion of "nice" folks).

Nevertheless, the bad boys and divas are scarce. That scarcity makes them SEEM valuable. Their unavailability and breaking plans makes them look confident and important. Making others work to earn their time gives the illusion that their time is valuable. Having to drop everything to steal a moment with them makes others appreciate the time they are "given". It is the illusion of scarcity.

Given that, nice people would do well to inconvenience their lovers once in a while. They would benefit from being scarce. They would look a little more valuable if they didn't drop everything to be at their lover's beck-and-call. If they were a little harder to get, their lovers would find them more enticing.

Conclusion

Again, your ex (or their entire gender) is not crazy. But, their psychological dynamics do cause them to process things differently than a nice person might hope. As a result of a few mental shortcuts getting crossed, winners look like losers and losers look like winners.

Does that mean you have to be a jerk or diva to find love? No. But, it does mean that you need to be selective with your time, attention, and niceness. It means you cannot be eager to please, needy, overly-available, or endlessly nice. To create a loving, respectful, and appreciative relationship, you have to know the rules of the game...and play by them.

So, learn from the jerks and divas- but don't emulate them completely. Simply get your partners to invest in you back, as you invest in them. Further, only reward them when they deserve it and ignore them when they don't. Also, make them accommodate you too and don't let your life revolve around them. This will show them that you are a valuable and attractive person with some self-respect. Then, you can still be a decent person and find love...without being so nice others walk all over you.

SOURCE: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...h-last-in-love

Thought i share things like this always interest me and its DAMN true...Maybe it could help someone out there

Sometimes i think i should've been a psychology major LOL

[F34R]

I say treat 'em extraordinary three days a week... Mon Wed Fri. Treat em like crap the other four. It works.

[claud3]

I always finish on top, maybe because I let my girlfriend use her finger.... need I say more

[Kuro]

Kuro being an ass 24/7 imagine that?

[DeviousOne]

I always finish on top, maybe because I let my girlfriend use her finger.... need I say more

That's such a silver comment lmao

[claud3]

That person, has rubbered of on me

[F34R]

That person, has rubbered of on me

At least he used protection.

[Kuro]

Lol! Claud set himself up good.

[Fon]

Never looked at it that way. Probably because I haven't been interested in a relationship in years. I admit that I can be a nice guy but the girls at work dislike my honesty even though I throw in white lies in humor.

[claud3]

At least he used protection.

Believe me, it was not put on what you think and I have a hard time looking out

[Chille]

well looks like il be playing solo for most of my life then

[claud3]

Single life is good, you can wank when you want, spend on yourself and most of all

If you fight, you are only falling out with yourself and it's easy to make up. Just tell yourself what you want to hear

Lol

[chrisw26308]

In a relationship you get to wank on a chicks face lol.

Sent from my SCH-I500 using Tapatalk 2

[Nitey]

[claud3]

Never looked at it that way. Probably because I haven't been interested in a relationship in years. I admit that I can be a nice guy but the girls at work dislike my honesty even though I throw in white lies in humor.

Cheers for the rep mate, I will return to you soon

I get it from the brain I have and it's a pretty messed up in there...

Believe me, it would be a crime to let it fully lose lmfao

[DeviousOne]

I loved being single however I enjoy my relationship now and its honestly the first time I've enjoyed being with someone that doesn't feel like work.

But its with anything in life I'm a nice person but I'm an asshole at the same time its a fine line but I walk it perfect lmao

[claud3]

You should be happy in any way that makes you happy

If you want the fruits of another, then go for it

If you like being single go for it

If you like to enjoy life with a different girl or boy every night. Enjoy it

It's you're life and how you lead it and develop, is up to you

[F34R]

I loved being single however I enjoy my relationship now and its honestly the first time I've enjoyed being with someone that doesn't feel like work.

But its with anything in life I'm a nice person but I'm an asshole at the same time its a fine line but I walk it perfect lmao

Just wait till you make it to week #2.

[claud3]

Give a woman a kitchen and give a man a gaming room

That my friend is an successful marriage

[DeviousOne]

Just wait till you make it to week #2.

Its been over a year and she's still around lmao

That's a good sign

[F34R]

Its been over a year and she's still around lmao

That's a good sign

Ahh, then congrats are due. /claps hands.

[DeviousOne]

True bitches are definitely crazy lol

[claud3]

WELL WOMEN CAN DO THIS, MEN CAN NOT UNLESS THEY ARE A BIT FUNNY OR DRUNK

[DeviousOne]

I can do that....after 3 drinks and do lmao

[imINxile]

I loved being single however I enjoy my relationship now and its honestly the first time I've enjoyed being with someone that doesn't feel like work.

But its with anything in life I'm a nice person but I'm an asshole at the same time its a fine line but I walk it perfect lmao

This is pretty much where I'm at as well. Gina's a pretty low maintenance chic. She gets really happy and content if I make dinner and let her choose a movie..the little stuff...shes a tough little thing as well. Sassy, stubborn and strong. Beats the super nice woman I was with for 5 yrs. Boring! I'm kind of a hardass myself so I can handle her shit. Shouldn't have taught her to box though..she's come at me swinging before in which case I bolt the house lol!...love some fight in a woman, ya just can't let it get too far

As far as nice dudes go...dunno why they finish last. I do know some nice guys try to hard. Women get there ass kissed everyday. When u ignore them they're intrigued..interesting species dem women lol!