Mario is the Bad Guy

I’ve been thinking about Nintendo a lot, and while I’ve previously made it clear that I don’t hate them, I still find a few things a little suspect. It has the same relationship with third-party developers that I do with attractive single women. It relies on gadget gimmickry slightly more often than Batman crossed with Inspector Gadget, with a liberal sprinkling of every Modern

protagonist. But, most of all, it has spent the last 200 games and 31 years making you believe that you were playing a hero. That’s right: Mario, the plumber we all know and love, is a villain.

Behold! Its true form!

Don’t get your Mario-branded knickers in a twist, fanboys. I’ve got proof. First, let’s take a look at our principal characters, Mario and Bowser, side by side for a moment. Bowser is a giant turtle-dragon that owns land, is a king, can breathe fire, and is actually three-dimensional. Mario is a plumber that never plumbs. Bowser builds and maintains seven labyrinthine, booby trap-ridden castles for Mario to jump through. Mario can go through

pipes. Even on paper, Bowser is clearly superior to Mario. But there’s more.Bowser is in love with Peach. What? You thought he was going to do something evil, like consume her peachy flesh? Nope. He loves her. Bowser says as much in Super Mario Sunshine and the straight-to-video Japanime The Great Mission to Rescue Princess Peach. He kidnaps her because he

can think of no other way to express his love. He’s like an extremely competent Lenny from Of Mice and Men.One might argue that Mario is superior due to his perpetual victory over

Bowser. But does Mario really win? If so, how does Bowser continually rally enough troops (er, troopas) to form armies (er, armoopas?) to divide up the kingdom in seven parts and build all of those hazardous precision-platforming mazes for Mario?Stepping away from Bowser,

when we first meet Mario in Donkey Kong, what is he doing? Jumping over barrels and climbing ladders to rescue his girlfriend, Pauline. Nope, it’s not Peach. After the first game Mario ditches his working-class paramour Pauline for the rich and empty-headed Peach.

Mario lets Peach get kidnapped over and over again because he finds a sick thrill in rescuing her from Bowser. Bowser is just trying to protect the woman that he loves. For that matter, he protects all of the Mushroom Kingdom! It’s established in Super Mario Bros. that Bowser

turns all of the citizenry of the Mushroom Kingdom into inanimate objects. Every cloud, tree, and, yes, BRICK, is a sentient being. And Mario ruthlessly stomps on them all for coins and mushroom power-ups.
If you listen closely, you can hear them weep for their lost children.

And what about the Yoshis? Mario would have you believe that Bowser cruelly imprisons the Yoshis inside their eggs, but in reality, he is protecting them from Mario AND protects the entire ecosystem by humanely detaining a creature that can eat anything and everything, and quite often does! Mario would turn them into service animals when it’s clear that Yoshis are smart enough to drive go-karts and attend parties and smash brothers!

Of course, there’re also the events of Donkey Kong Jr. Yes, I realize I’m spending a lot of time in the Jumpman era. Shut up. In Donkey Kong Jr., you play as Kong’s son on a quest to rescue his father from — you guessed it — the tyrannical plumber himself.

zThe true hero!

There’s also the part in Sunshine where Bowser tells Bowser Jr. that Peach is his mother and Peach says nothing to deny it. There’s also the argument that Mario only ever actually saved Peach once, then performed it onstage, and has been dreaming about it ever since. But I feel I’ve made my point. Feel free to draw your Mario-branded rapiers, fanboys. En garde!

i do not want this to be true, since i was just a young puppy when i played my first mario game back in 1988