Funny things people have said in court!

[behemoth12]

The following real court exchanges are from a recently published book, Disorder in the American Courts. Everything that is said in court is recorded by court reporters, who have compiled the following collection of hilarious conversations!

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Children in Court
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: OK. Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.


Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?


Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?


Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!


Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: So, after the anaesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on... what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.


Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that son-of-a-bitch, and she did!


Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know.

Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.


Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.


Q: ... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.


Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cheney and said he was really good.

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?


Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
A: MR. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. the autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid *&!%, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Please use quote tags -adamba4e

[shadowofomioc]

Do you have Stumble for Firefox? I found this site a few days ago using Stumble. Had me laughing for awhile.

[DINAMO788]

too many to read at once but good job. laughing at other people's stupidity can be very amusing

[behemoth12]

Do you have Stumble for Firefox? I found this site a few days ago using Stumble. Had me laughing for awhile.

huh? wats firefox and stumble?

[DINAMO788]

firefox is another webrowser, like internet explorer. a lot of people liek it more and say its better. i dont have it so i woudln't know. as for stumble......iono

[shadowofomioc]

Download Firefox immediately then lol. Its the best browser you'll find. Anyway, if you click on Tools and then Extensions, you'll be sent to a firefox page with thousands of extensions that you can download for your Firefox browser. One of those extensions is a tool called Stumble. It works like this. You log in, the system asks you out of a list what types of webpages your interested in, and you check the boxes for the various websites you like. For instance Gaming, Windows, Linux, Philosophy, Archeology, Astrology, etc. When your done, the system integrates your website preference with the other millions of Stumbler users and then you hit a button on your browser toolbar that says Stumble.

It automatically sends you to random sites that other Stumble users have recommended and then you can click on either I Like It! or Not-For-Me. Doing so makes the Stumble tool more knowledgable about exactly what sites you like, and you can add new website types and stuff into your file for more accurate results. You can also write reviews for sites and read other peoples reviews.

Its a brilliant tool, and really brings back web surfing as I used to know it.

[Hunnter]

Now those are so damn funny, im near crying from laughter, especially at this one...

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: OK. Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Sounds so like something i would say.

Well it goes the same for everyone, if they ask stupid questions, they get stupid answers, simple as lol

[smitty61]

Agreed Hunnter that one about the doctor was my favorite. The real funny thing is that people actually say this. I thought that one was so funny. It had me literally rolling on the floor.

[behemoth12]

hey shadowofomioc, do you know the site PS3 Forums? it's a good site to, x360 developer there good technical info aswell.

Do not double post, do not go off topic, do not make posts under the five word minimum, why is there 3 other usernames registered from your IP address. Please read the rules

[heerokenshin]

With the recent announcement of Paramount becoming HD-DVD exclusive, everyone has turned their attention to Warner Bros. The last major studio to remain HD neutral, WB is in a unique position to sway the media format war in one direction or another.

During the last few weeks, several events have occurred, including rumored Microsoft and HD-DVD payoffs to Paramount and Dreamworks in exchange for an exclusivity agreement. This, coupled with HD-DVD's recently announced 51 gb disc, and even more rumors of money being put on the table, has created quite the buzz around the net as to whether Warner Bros. are currently being courted into a similar deal.

TWICE Magazine has recently had the opportunity to speak with Ron Sanders, President of Warner Home Video, and clarify just what is going on right now inside the company and what outside influences there are.

In response to a report by the Los Angeles Times, which speculated that Warner had received a tempting offer from HD-DVD supported to back only the HD-DVD format, Sanders had the following to say:

"We're talking to both sides and it’s crazy right now. We’ll see how the fourth quarter plays out. The consumer is still kind of divided, and we still believe that we should offer the content in both formats. Now, we will watch the marketplace very closely, and see how it plays out, but for now we are supporting both."

While this comment in no way confirms or denies the offers in question, it does however, mean that at least for this holiday season, WB will remain neutral. Also, from the sound of things, Sony and the Blu-ray Disc Association have also been in contact with Warner Bros. regarding a possible deal as well.

With Warner remaining neutral, both the BDA and the HD-DVD camp are in an even fiercer battle this holiday season, as it is likely that a combination of highest bid and best sales numbers is the key to claiming one more major studio. Be sure to check back for more updates on this, and all Blu-ray news here at PSU.

SOURCE:
http://www.twice.com/article/CA6477849.html
http://www.tvpredictions.com/warner091207.htm

[The_Only]

Edited & Live.

Another well written article with little editing required - keep up the good work, Dusty.