PlayStation’s eclectic line-up of heroes and heroines are an enviable bunch. After all, they get to explore stunning locations, wield super-human powers, drop cheesy one-liners, and go toe-to-toe with gargantuan beasts of Greek myth; and that’s just to hint at but a few of the activities our iconics have got up to in 20 years of PlayStation history.
They’re the best at what they do, no doubt. But what if they had to slug it out in the real world with the likes of you and I? How would they manage to cope? Could you see them sat behind a desk for eight hours a day, five days per week? Or trundle off down to the Job Center looking for work? Nah, not really.
As such, PSU decided to plant our tongues firmly in our cheeks and come up with five PlayStation icons who would fail everyday job life.
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KRATOS
God of War’s perennially-peeved hero would be no good in a day job. With his temper, not to mention his lust for blood and evisceration, ‘ol baldy locks would surely end up massacring his boss and putting a meaty fist through his computer screen. Even something that didn’t involve working with other people, or operating machinery, Kratos just wouldn’t be able to hack it—no pun intended. He lives for violence, and short of becoming a professional cage fighter, he should probably stick to slaying hydras and krakens.
NATHAN DRAKE
Uncharted’s leading man is more of a regular bloke when compared to some of the people in our list, but even so, we doubt he’d find the 9-5 routine all that appealing. Drake is always on the go, eager to explore another forgotten ruin and uncover another lost trinket, which means sitting behind a desk for eight hours a day isn’t going to cut it. Nate would probably sooner climb out of his office window for his next adrenaline rush than listen to customers moan at him down the phone or being stuck in a museum when he could be uncovering the Loch Ness Monster…or something.
ALBERT WESKER
Wesker CV is certainly impressive, having worked as one of Umbrella’s leading scientists, the boss of S.T.A.R.S, and outfitting his own mysterious unit. However, ordinary day work is something that has always eluded him, and that was before he became a raging sociopath with absolutely no compunction in sacrificing the lives of billions to achieve his objective—world domination. Wesker answers to Wesker, so the thought of him taking orders from some hotshot business executive won’t wash; and with superhuman powers, who needs to?
SOLID SNAKE
Legendary mercenary Solid ‘Dave’ Snake has himself admitted he belongs on the battlefield, so the last place he’d want to be is stuck in an office, behind a supermarket counter, or worse, babysitting kids. Snake is a man of action, of stern beliefs, and also highly philosophical; we can’t imagine him settling into the 9-5 routine, not to mention the fact he’s a bit of a loner too, and prefers the company of animals more. After all, he spent most of his down time before the events of Shadow Moses isolated with his beloved huskies, something which is identified as one of his favorite past times. Snake is a man of tranquil surroundings, and therefore would never be seen dead in the Big City, much less working there.
DELSIN ROWE
inFAMOUS’s beanie hat-wearing hero is a young, energetic chap, and has awesome superpowers; why would he waste it by conforming to the daily grind in a regular job? Delsin doesn’t have the patience for the life of an Average Joe; he wants to be on the go, tearing up in the city, and generally showing off. Stuck in an office, serving customers, or pulling pints just isn’t up his alley. Not that he’s incapable of it, but he’d just get bored way too quickly.
PAUL PHOENIX
Unlike his best bud Marshall Law, who stated his own restaurant business, Paul and his ridiculously high hair just aren’t cut out for business life. Aside from his fiery constitution—and let’s face it, could you see him putting up with irate punters?—Paul’s penchant for shoving his fist into brick walls and pummelling punch bags ensures he’s always got to be training for a fight, or preferably in one. This is one bloke who’s built for the rough and ready world of street fighting, and conforming to a regular life just isn’t on his agenda.