[Editor’s Note: If you don’t want to learn information about the girls you can date in Grand Theft Auto IV, do not read – move forward at your own discretion.]
Let’s all be honest, there is nothing more annoying than a nagging girlfriend/boyfriend who won’t stop blowing up your cell phone with phone calls or text messages. On top of this, it is even more annoying when that one night stand seems to think there is a second date on the horizon, so if you’re tired of dealing with the hassle of wondering what you have to do to just “hit it and quit it,” we’re here to help. This guide of love will teach you everything you need to know about getting some action in Grand Theft Auto IV without the fear of contracting an STD from a hooker walking the industrial side of town. Niko doesn’t like STDs.
Michelle can best be described as: “A girl who just wants to know more and more about you.” Not only are you now incapable of just playing it off like you’re listening to her talk, but you have to answer questions coherently to prove you’re listening. Seriously – just stop talking and take it Michelle.
When you first start dating Michelle, you’ll only have that cheap Russian junket store to deal with for clothing, so you’ll pretty much be set to impress her. For some odd reason Michelle loves the Russian style of clothing Niko sports and has a strong distaste for clowns with slicked back hair and Perseus clothing. Modo is also not a choice if you’re trying to get some action from this curious cat.
Roman’s Cab seems to impress her most. We’re not sure if this is because she enjoys free rides in a cab or if it’s because she’s more interested in what you have to say instead of what kind of car you drive (crazy world apparently). This makes the road to Graceland that much easier without the hassle of having to steal a car to impress her.
If you’re looking for the cheapest route in boosting Michelle’s likeness for you, there is no better way to go than to play Darts and Pool with her. Not only does this give you something else to focus on while she rambles away, but at least you’ll be mildly entertained with her comments about how great you are at pool/darts. If you’re one of those guys who just like to set women off and watch them tumble, just try taking Michelle to the Strip Club, she’ll definitely love you for it – maybe.
Now that you’ve done everything in your power to impress her, it’s time to get her back home so you can make your move and listen to her beg for more…information about you.
Alexandra Chilton (Liberated Woman – hah)
Alexandra Chilton is one of the first internet chicks you can pick up. Don’t sweat it your friends won’t laugh at you for this later on down the road. To date Alexandra, you’ll have to browse the net to “Craplist.net” and she can be found in the “Women seeking Men” section under the name Liberated Woman. Just click the “contact me” option and you’ll get a response from her in due time.
You know the girls who only date men who wear sophisticated clothing and also have a foreign accent? Well, that’s Alexandra. This girl is not only overtly annoying with her dialog, but she actually thinks she’s witty and impressive. Little does she know you’re just trying to add a notch to your belt and a blog entry on her website as far as how the date went. This girl is definitely going to cost you a pretty coin if you’re planning to get in bed with her as quick as possible and then cut loose. Alexandra only accepts the best, so you’re going to have to shop at Perseus if you’re hoping to get anywhere with her at a heightened rate. Anything else just won’t do and you’ll have to put up with more constant complaining if you show up dressed in Modo or Russian mob-wear.
The vehicle you drive will make a difference for this liberated woman as well. Show up in something exotic like a Turismo in order to get some action once you get her home. Showing up in Roman’s Cab will probably get you the stink eye and a sarcastic remark that’ll make you want to just stop the car, pull her out of it, slap her around with a bat for awhile and then pop her in the kneecap (We don’t condone beating women, but we understand there are exceptions). When it comes down to not throwing her under the Taxi beside you, you’ll find that Alexandra enjoys taking part in any venue activity and any show. Unfortunately, even though she enjoys the activities like bowling, darts, pool and the strip club, you’ll quickly find out that she hates losing. If you beat her in three of those activities, all you’ll hear is more constant complaining, which will probably result in you beating her to death (again) and having to redo the date.
Once it’s time to take this vixen home however is when it matters most and makes the entire date worthwhile as Alexandra is without a doubt the kinkiest chick out of the bunch. She loves when you do naughty things to her and she’ll let you know it too.
Carmen Ortiz (SoBoHoe)
You’ll run into Carmen on Love-meet.net under the name “SoBoHoe.” She’ll be available to date at the same time as Liberated Woman above, as will the majority of your Internet dates. When you first hear Carmen talk you’ll instinctively get excited expecting some hot salsa lovin’ – unfortunately, however, it falls short. Her dialog may be sexy while combined with her fiesta accent, you’ll quickly realize that Carmen is beyond needy. You may be conflicted to keep her around though as her specialty bonus of being able to heal you when you call her is a nice thing to have; however, it almost cancels itself out with the constant calls of her complaining about her job. We kill people for a living and she’s crying about the difficulties of her job? Woman, please.
The girl isn’t picky though and she’ll welcome Niko into her life while he sports some mid-level Modo apparel. She also won’t complain if you show up in some high-end Perseus either, but regardless, she’s much more affordable than Alexandra when it comes to clothing requests. If you’re into the Latina vibe, this is your no. 1 girl for the rest of the game as nothing can beat the loving affection of health and the constant complaining about life.
Much like her style for clothes, Carmen will also allow you to pick her up in some guy-next-door car models. You won’t have to worry about cruising around for an Infernus to send this girl into a hot spell. Show up like a soccer mom in a minivan though and you may have to prepare yourself for some digs at your pride. If the phone calls about her work weren’t enough, she’ll spend the majority of time in “your” vehicle moaning and complaining about it as well, so expect an ear full. If you get tired of it, just run the car into a wall or oncoming traffic a couple of times, it’ll change her mood real quick.
You’re probably wondering where to take Carmen since GTA IV doesn’t offer a Taco Bell, well that’s cool because Carmen really isn’t into eating. If there is one thing that will make Ms. Ortiz more tolerable, it’s alcohol. Carmen loves to drink, bring her to any bar and you’ll be set for the night. We’d recommend taking her out to Jerkov’s, not only because it’s a classy joint but because it’ll set the template for the entire evening. She also won’t mind going to a show, as that will score you some hefty respect as well.
A big concern is not to kill her on the way home if you’re choosing to drive drunk; a dead Carmen may be a quiet Carmen, but it makes it a lot harder to score…legally.
Kiki Jenkins (LawChick)
Love-meet.net leaves all sorts of women at your disposal, including LawChick, some University of Liberty City law graduate who doesn’t need to see you running over the closest pedestrians on the way to your venue. While this high-society woman may seem a bit out of Niko’s league, it really doesn’t stop you from going after a successful woman that is sometimes unsure of what she wants. Kiki isn’t nearly as demanding as Carmen or as risqué as Alex, but she can hold her own in both regards.
Though Kiki is a high-class girl, she doesn’t mind the low-class mentality and actually prefers Niko in his Russian outfitter clothing. Throw on a Fargo hat and some pimped glasses as well and this girl will go wild for Niko. It almost seems too good to be true that LawChick could be this rewarding but she’ll go even one step further for you and legally lower your wanted level if you need it.
You’d imagine Kiki Jenkins as the type of female who would prefer you pick her up in some exotic ride being a law girl and all, though fortunately, she could care less. Kiki will, as likely get into a small-man’s vehicle as she would a Super GT. We’re not sure if Rockstar was just trying to mess with everyone’s heads by swapping what you’d expect certain women to enjoy, but it definitely happened to mess with ours.
By now you’re ready to take Ms. Jenkins out on your date and you still haven’t decided where to take her. With Liberty City offering so many options, it’s sometimes hard to choose, right? While Kiki does enjoy the high-end clubs such as Jerkov’s and Club Liberty; you’ll make out just fine by bringing her bowling or to shoot some pool as well. As expected by Kiki’s laid-back personality, she’s a cool chick to hang with that doesn’t mind doing a guy thing – exception being the strip club.
Now it’s time to get her home so you can hear her tell you how much she loves objections of the naughty variety.
Packie, Gerry, Francis, and Derrick’s sister, Kate McReary, is basically your dream girl. She understands the life you lead, she’s willing to talk about the decisions you make and most importantly, she respects you. This may have nothing or everything to do with the fact that all of her brothers are degenerates, but we’re going to overlook that. From the very beginning you get the hint that Kate isn’t going to bend over for you that easily. This doesn’t detract from the fact she’ll be the most emotionally attached female in the game for Niko.
Expect to impress Kate in just your basic off-the-boat clothing with nothing more – nothing less. She’s an easy going girl who, like most Irish women, will take their men any way they can get them as long as they’re somewhat respectful. Kate will balk at you with sarcastic remarks if you decide to show up with a suit on and some nice shoes, so don’t try and impress her with how much paper you’re carrying in your wallet; she won’t care. This also pretty much sets you up for a pre-nuptial agreement without much hassle in the event that you two eventually wed.
Showing up in a Solair isn’t going to get her clothing on the floor any faster. She’d much prefer to see you roll up in a Patriot or a Comet. A lot of shallow guys (the majority) are going to be offended that this girl doesn’t want to just jump your bones, but you’ll have to make due and earn your way into the game of love with Kate McReary. She’s the only girl in the game that is going to give you the time of day and not nag you to death over your cell, so take comfort in that fact and just enjoy it.
Bringing Kate out is also the most enjoyable, due to the fact that she’s your stereotypical Irish girl and loves to play pool, darts and of course drink. She’s going to appreciate you whether you whoop her in either activity or lose, which is the complete opposite of the rest of the Liberty City “talent.” When bringing Kate out to drink however, make sure to bring her to the middle class joints like Steinway Beer Garden or Lucky Winkles. Needless to say, getting Kate incredibly drunk isn’t going to help your chances any either as this nut has a tough shell to crack.
All you can do from here is continue to bring Kate home and pray. Who knows how it’ll eventually go unless you try. None of us truly want to work for it, but maybe it’ll be more rewarding this way, right?
Outside of the street hookers being easy meat, this is the other alternative if you want to branch out on the possible talent offered to you in Liberty City. While some may take a tad more work than others, the juice is usually worth the squeeze.
Friends may laugh at you if you qualify these instances of conquer as real life feats, but chances are, they’re doing the exact same. In that case, you’re all losers for it.