Hello good folk of the internet. I’ve stopped chin wagging with Shuhei Yoshida and Phil Spencer in this smog-cauldron known as Los Angeles long enough to give you my definitive verdict on the big conferences by rating each and every announcement. Starting with Bethesda
Fallout 4: B+
I liked: That it’s deeper than a chicken pie from Danger Dave’s Chip Shop and that I’ll make a tidy sum off that Collector’s Edition on Ebay. Also cool that we get mods because it means I can eradicate one of my dislikes. Dogs.
I disliked: The dog. I’m a cat person so I’m naturally deeply offended Bethesda is once again pandering to the canine demographic. I also don’t care for yet another post-apocalyptic setting. We get it guys, the world has ended, give us the nightclub district of Kingston-Upon-Hull in the 1980s to explore instead. It’s practically the same but with less hope for humanity.
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Mr. Tiddles would like to discuss your impending doom
Doom: F
I liked: Blood! Guts! Gore! The long-awaited return of fast-paced Quake multiplayer. Sorry, what? This isn’t a Quake 3 Arena remake? Bollocks to it then.
I disliked: Being deceived about a potential Quake 3 Arena remake with this garbage. Why is it so yellow anyway? Did they not have enough money for extra colours?
Dishonored 2: Dishonor Harder: C-
I liked: All those wonderful sneaky dark arts attacks. The tendril stuff is probably the closest we’ll get to a sequel to The Darkness II.Huge plus point for the fact the plague has given the afflicted a handy place to store their pencils.
I disliked: Not being able to have a handy place to store your pencils without ending up horribly dead. I mean, I could go get a desk tidy from Staples, but I’ve not seen one in L.A. and it’ll be shut when I get home.
Pencils not included
The Elder Scrolls Online: Tamriel Unlimited: E
I liked: That I’ve already played it and currently enjoy being a Dark Elf Assassin for the Ebonheart Pact. It meant I could bugger off to the bar early doors too.
I disliked: That I’ve already played it and it wasn’t an announcement for The Elder Scrolls VI. Also the bar was full of games journalists.
Battlecry: Not Rated
I was still at the bar convincing Yu Suzuki to do a Kickstarter for Shenmue III so I missed this one.
Overall Rating: C – Less dogs next year and have a word about getting some extra bar staff on yeah?
For actual impressions of the Bethesda conference, listen to the team who were right there.