Welcome to PSU.com’s hit series on the world of gaming. Join our hosts Skip Williams and Max Platinum as they give you the inside scoop on a myriad of topics in gaming. From how to catapult up the Trophy rankings to debating about the current console war, don’t change that channel as there might even be some broken tables, because the debates get so hardcore!
Disclaimer: All likenesses used are for parody and/or satirical purposes.
Skip: I’m about to go on the air. No, for the last time I won’t say hi to your mother in Saskatoon. I don`t even know where that is.
Max: Skip, uh, we’re on live right now.
Skip: I`ve got to go…No, I’m not cheating on you but you’re tempting me.
Max: You okay, Skip?
Skip: I need a new girlfriend.
Max: I could have told you that weeks ago.
Skip: Welcome everyone to another episode of Skip and Max`s Prime Time Gaming. As always I`m your host with the most, Skip Williams with the doctor of trophinomics, Max Platinum. Today we have a sad announcement to our long time viewers and fans. We, at the NGN Network, have been voted the worst company in the world. Yes, you heard me correct, we are the worst company in the world. What do you think of that, Max?
Max: I’d like to thank all the trolls and losers on the Internet who voted in the online polls to give us this awesome, wonderfully, prestigious Mocky. I this is our first ever Mocky and now I know how EA feels. We`ve hit the big time, Skip.
Skip: All kidding aside, Max, this obsession with hating EA has carved out its own psychosis in the gamer`s psyche. No matter what EA does it seems there will always be people who will just hate them for the sake of hating them, even if they bought them a gold house.
Max: Gold houses are so last decade. Platinum or bust, EA can afford it the cheapskates they are.
Skip: Is their something wrong with society when EA, a game company, is labeled the worst company in America?
Max: Skip, if Rebekka didn`t burn my soapbox I`d get on it right now, so I`ll have to get on a different soapbox. It is the soapbox of truth, justice, and the stupidity way. The video game industry has lost its innocence. Maybe in the late 1980s and early 1990s it could be argued it was about making games since it is new, in-vogue, and considered a fad. But it stopped being a fad and became a mainstream way of life. Nintendo, Xbox and PlayStation are all words in the global lexicon. With that mainstreaming the industry lost its childlike innocence and became what any normal business is supposed to be, a business.
Skip: Why do gamers have a hard time accepting that the video game industry is a business and is meant to make money?
Max: Drugs, lots of drugs. I`m being serious, some people are just on drugs, Skip. For the ones not stoned out of reality the reason is because the video game industry is the only major international industry where everything is integrated. Companies listen to the critics and the fans thus allowing their voices to be heard instead of ignored like in other major industries. The industry needs people to be interested and so pimps out anything and everything at conventions, events, giving sites exclusive previews, anything it can to get people into their products and buying it. Movies can`t do that. Books can`t do that. Music can`t do that.
Skip: So this perceived symbiosis is the root cause of the problem?
Max: Yes, because gamers think, keyword is think, they have some kind of power because companies bother to listen to fans and critics. Gamers have become delusional and entitled, and it shows when a company like EA is considered the worst company in America rather than those companies who make millions and billions of profit but ship jobs overseas, have poor working conditions, and support governments that kill its own citizens just to name a few evils.
Skip: Ring Ring…Ring Ring…Ring Ring…
Max: Aren`t you going to get that?
Skip: No, it is the girlfriend. Where is Saskatoon anyways, Toon Town?
Max: It is in the middle of nowhere Canada.
Skip: I`d have an easier relationship with a prostitute under the thumb of an abusive pimp at this rate.
Max: Uh, yeah, uh, you need to talk?
Skip: I cook, clean, wash the clothes, pay the bills, take the dog out for a walk, and even put the toilet seat down but it is never enough. I`m sorry I`m not Takeshi Kitano. I`m only one man. I don`t say hi to her mother on TV and suddenly I`m voted the worst boyfriend in the world by an online poll. Chris Brown is a better boyfriend than me apparently.
Max: Hell hath no fury than Internet trolls.
Skip: What does EA need to do to turn its image around to lose this prestigious title, assuming they want to.
Max: I have a list of three easy plans that will improve their image. The first is eating a baby.
Skip: I don`t think murdering a child and cannibalism would help anyone`s image.
Max: Hear me out, Skip. EA needs a new image, something risqué and edgy. What is more edgy than the Satan worshippers demographic?
Skip: I hate to ask what number two is.
Max: If that plan is too avant-garde then this is a more traditional, conservative approach. They need to hire slaves from Africa. Why pay high salaries, good benefits, and a stable working environment when people can be paid pennies on the dollar from buying them?
Skip: We just lost our African demographic. I`m going to regret this but what is plan three?
Max: This is pure gold. The world has an over—population crisis right? They set-up a battle royale style tournament in North Korea, giving the winners free food for life. Since they only eat rice there anyways it wouldn`t even dent the coffers. America hates commies so it would be a great PR move at culling the red influence and bring stability to the area. It is win-win.
Skip: So in five minutes we`ve just promoted Satanism, slavery, and mass murder, is that about right?
Max: You make it sound like I`m being as evil as charging for Call of Duty map packs and class XP. This is the step in the right direction this company needs to get fans liking them again.
Skip: How would any of those things make fans want to embrace them?
Max: Well, since the mainstream already considers EA to be more evil than all those combined, no one will complain when they make Sims 10 online only. Simply put there is nothing EA can do to improve their image, aside from hiring Kojima, Makami, and Miyamoto to make games for them. They might as well do something evil to justify being considered evil.
Skip: Point taken, Max, point taken. Ring Ring…Ring Ring…Ring Ring…Any advice for dealing with the girlfriend?
Max: *Grabs phone* This is Maxine. I`m having Skip`s baby so unless you want to deal with a preggo southern girl from the hills you better know what`s good for you and leave my man alone. *Hangs up*
Skip: Great, thanks Max. Now she thinks I cheated on her with a hillbilly transvestite from Gifu.
Max: You wanted advice, you never said good advice. This is what happens when you listen to trolls. Besides, I hear Brenda from accounting is single. Everyone knows you have a thing for psychotic white girls and she is very much available.
Skip: Well, assuming the ex-girlfriend doesn`t become an axe murderer, join us next week when we discuss the text I just got that we are being sued. As always for Max Platinum, I`m Skip Williams saying good night and good gaming, live from the Tokyo Dome.
Max: It took this long for us to get sued?
Skip: I honestly would have thought the feminists would have done it months ago, after your little stunt.
Max: It is not my fault.
Skip: How is having her slap you in the face on international TV not your fault when you said she should do some sit-ups to lose those last five pounds.
Max: She shouldn`t have brought up the issue of body image, it is a touchy subject.
Skip: But she had anorexia.
Max: Red light, Skip, red light. Just because I start a conversation doesn`t mean I want to finish one.
Skip: You are a strange man, you know that right?
Missed an episode of the program? Check out the back issues to get up to speed. Want so see if the writer is just as crazy as the characters he has created? Check out his thoughts and adventures in Japan, gaming, and life on Twitter and Facebook.