Developers must whore themselves to survive

  • Posted April 4th, 2013 at 11:45 EDT by

Welcome to PSU.com's hit series on the world of gaming. Join our hosts Skip Williams and Max Platinum as they give you the inside scoop on a myriad of topics in gaming. From how to catapult up the Trophy rankings to debating about the current console war, don't change that channel as there might even be some broken tables, because the debates get so hardcore!



Disclaimer: All likenesses used are for parody and/or satirical purposes.

K-JI: Welcome back viewers to the hottest program on the NGN channel. We are coming to you live from the Nagoya Dome here in the craziest city in the world, Nagoya, Japan. I’m your host Keun Joo-In, with my partner in crime Saikou Hakkin. Skip and Max can’t be here but I’m sure they are here in spirit. How is it feeling to be back on the air, Saikou?

Saikou: K-JI, I never felt so much relief. Do you know what it is like on the streets?

K-JI: You can’t be serious, Saikou. If you were living on the streets I would have let you stay at my place.

Saikou: Whoa, no, I meant I had to work a beat. The producer had me as a beat reporter. Can you believe that?

K-JI: Actually, yes I can, considering how much of a slacker you are. So Saikou, what is better than having a couple games sell seven million copies combined?

Saikou: That’s easy, seven million and one copies sold.

K-JI: Right you are, Saikou. Today we will be discussing how gaming companies are increasing their focus on the bottom line and how record breaking sales are never enough. Big companies are selling millions and millions of copies of their big flagship titles and somehow, for some reason, it never seems enough. What do you think about that?

Saikou: I think they are right, K-JI. Tomb Raider selling over three million copies in its first month is a loser’s expectation. She should have sold five million in the first day on her body alone, it’s not like there are any female gamers out there who actually care and if there are they are probably lesbians anyways. Who actually plays a Lara Croft game other than to ogle her? So what if her previous games were constantly stinking up the business like an aging porn star that should have retired a few films earlier? It’s Lara Croft.

K-JI: You’re right, and I still find it hard to believe Dead Space 3 wasn’t cancelled after the first week. Selling over a million copies sure is an indication of a title without a fan base. They obviously lost the plot. The fact that it debuted first on the charts just means the other titles competing with them sucked just as much.

Saikou: You know what didn’t suck, the Super Nintendo Entertainment System. That was such a great system and I think everyone would agree with me on that statement. If they don’t then we all know they were bribed by Sega with their blast processing aka actual bribes. But seriously, can you name me a better system?

K-JI: Hmmmm, well, Sega hasn’t slipped me another envelope full of blast processing but I have to disagree anyways. The SNES was a horrible system. It didn’t match the selling power of the NES. That is the benchmark for Nintendo. You can talk about your Final Fantasy 3s, your Chrono Triggers, and your Super Mario Worlds, but it never sold a lot. Fifty million units are peanuts in comparison. How it lasted for as long as it did is beyond my comprehension.

Saikou: That’s right, no matter how good a game or system thinks it is, if it doesn’t outsell it’s predecessor then it should be shelved, burned, driven over, and mocked by the gaming media and industry. It needs to learn the hard way that Clint Eastwood won’t be around to save you.

K-JI: Did you see the hilarious chair gag he did?

Saikou: Pure gold that guy. Now, if only I can borrow his Magnum so I can put the Wii out of it’s misery.

K-JI: But Saikou, that system sold over 100 million units. It is a success.

Saikou: Two handhelds sold more units than it, count-em one, two. Consoles can’t be outsold by handhelds. It goes against the rules of surviving the gaming industry.

K-JI: The gaming industry has rules for survival?

Saikou: You don’t know the rules? You don’t know the rules!? There are rules for surviving in this industry. Number one, a console can never, ever be outsold by a handheld. They are inferior devices to their console brethren and this is like letting your little brother play on the baseball team and he hits a grand slam to win the game.

K-JI: I think I follow you so far. Should I be taking notes?

Saikou: If you’re smart you should be, or you’ll end up in the kitchen with a Jaguar controller in your spinal cord. Number two, if a gaming journalist says it then it is the gospel. It doesn’t matter if you are Hitman: Absolution and looked like you would be shunned from the entire industry because you have a thing for nuns in latex, but later sold almost three million copies anyways. The twitterverse hates you because some guy no one has heard of, but said if he got the game to review he’d send it right back, had a hissy fit about a trailer. The Twitterverse: fear it, respect it, just take it from it and smile.

K-JI: Gotcha, make sure to stock up on lube.

Saikou: Finally, and this is the most important rule, are you following?

K-JI: Yeah, but I’m still trying to figure out where to buy all the lube.

Saikou: First place means nothing. Your worth is measured by the equation X-Y+H=W, where X is the current game in the series, Y is the last game, H is some random number companies make up cause they are high, and W is the game’s worth as an IP.

K-JI: Right, don’t get company number crunchers high during sales meetings.

Saikou: Follow those three simple rules and you are guaranteed success.

K-JI: Okay, let’s review. If I want to be a success I need to bend over for critics and journalists even though they are trolls that don’t care about me, have my self-worth attributed to the number of sales I rack up in a day despite how much artistic merit I have, and if I don’t outsell my predecessor no matter the context, then I’m as worthless as trash and should expect denigration and a beating from my boss. So in other words, be a street prostitute with an angry pimp in New York City.

Saikou: You’re catching on quickly, K-JI.

K-JI: No wonder Madden and Call of Duty are the best games ever created. Now if only Resident Evil can become as mindless and repetitive as Madden, just changing its clothes and replacing that number tattoo with a new one every year, it’d be just as awesome.

Saikou: You’re forgetting another important rule.

K-JI: I thought you said there were only three rules?

Saikou: I misrepresented the truth.

K-JI: You mean you made it up?

Saikou: That is what the best do. When was the last time you ever saw someone site sources instead of just making their opinion sound like its gospel? Remember rule two?

K-JI: Good point.

Saikou: The fourth rule is you have to play well with others. Resident Evil doesn’t do group rates, so you know, it doesn’t get as much action as it should. Apparently it has morals.

K-JI: Have no standards and be a Hannah Montana dressed, Madden inspired, Call of Duty clone directed by Kojima and staring the Mario Brothers. Check!

Saikou: Now if only Koei learned as fast as you and created that game instead of a button masher like Dynasty Warriors because apparently constantly pressing square is for noobs, unlike the elite gamers who press R1 or X.

K-JI: That is all the time we have this week, fans and viewers. Join us next time when we talk about how only elite gamers mash R1 and X. I’m K-JI with my partner in crime Saikou Hakkin, signing off live from the Nagoya Dome. Stay classy internet, stay classy.

Meanwhile, in the Tokyo Dome’s NGN Studios...

Skip: What do you think, Max? Can we get our jobs back?

Max: I can’t be a sarcastic douchebag. I can’t do it, Skip. There is not enough energy drinks and syringes on the planet to get as crazy as him. We’re screwed, Skip, screwed like Hitman: Absolution.

Skip: But it sold almost two million copies, you know they were being sarcastically satirical, right?

Max: This isn’t because Rebekka is jealous I’m the token white guy, is it?

Skip: Why would she care you’re the token white guy on a Japanese TV channel?

Max: Well, cause she is the token African girl and she gets no air time.

Skip: Sometimes, Max, I wonder why we never got fired earlier.

Rebekka: You two weren’t fired so don’t go and eat a controller or something.

Max: But they have our show, and it was moved to Nagoya.

Rebekka: No, they got hired for a different show. The season is just over and we expanded. Didn’t you get the memo?

Skip: But you told us last week we were being replaced.

Rebekka: I just wanted to screw with your heads…and I’m the assistant director. Look it up in the manual how much the job description cares how much air time I get…How you two are the top rated in the time slot is beyond me.

Max: You mean I’m the token white guy again?

Rebekka: Inhales deeply Yes…

Max: Did you hear that, Skip? I’m still the token white guy.

Skip: And we’re all proud of you for it. Join us next week when we kick it up a notch and jam to the top 5 best remixes. Considering how much Monster is in Max’s system right now, this might send him into an eargasmic coma.

Max: Monster shots on me to celebrate!

Missed an episode of the program? Check out the back issues to get up to speed. Have a comment about the series? You can reach the author here or at Dane.Smith@psu.com.

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