Suing for expectations
Welcome to PSU.com's hit series on the world of gaming. Join our hosts Skip Williams and Max Platinum as they give you the inside scoop on a myriad of topics in gaming. From how to catapult up the Trophy rankings to debating about the current console war, don't change that channel as there might even be some broken tables, because the debates get so hardcore!
Disclaimer: All likenesses used are for parody and/or satirical purposes.
Skip: Did you bring the papers, Max?
Max: Yes, they are right here, the entire list of those suing us.
Skip: Okay, let`s see, Jimmy the Intern, Micky Mondo no surprise there since you ran over his dog, Susan the receptionist who you got hit with a sexual harassment lawsuit with, Kristy the woman from the washroom two weeks…
Max: I don`t see how I could be charged with sexual harassment when I don`t even date white girls. I`ve stated it on live, international TV, besides you know Susan has that problem.
Skip: Being fat is not a problem, Max.
Max: When I suffocate in the elevator because she crushes me against the wall due to her five Big Mac breakfast girth that is a big problem.
Skip: I work with an utter idiot. I don`t see why I am being sued along with you. What did I do?
Max: It says there on the bottom.
Skip: Sexual Harassment? Who is this Lisa Richards?
Max: Dammit, the hypnosis actually worked. That turned into a waste of money now.
Skip: Who is she? I`ve never heard her name before.
Max: She is, um, you know, an ex-girlfriend from last week.
Skip: You mean the weather girl? But her name was Hitomi. What the hell is this, Max? I failed to live up to my pre-date perception? What does that even mean? Could not perform required task to a satisfactory level, rope skills were subpar at best, weak fingers, seriously, what does this even mean? Weak fingers?
Max: You know, you`re Japanese.
Max: Well, you know, down there.
Skip: Down there? There!? Wait, no, really? She is that delusional that she thought I was a Japanese porn star? Don`t people know not all Japanese men are good with ropes. I`m sorry, but I shouldn`t have to defend myself for my sexual choices and not being a kinkster. She sounds as stupid as someone suing a video game company over the finished product not being as good as the demo.
Max: There are a lot of stupid people in the world, Skip, lots of stupid people.
Skip: A demo is just a demo. Sometimes things change during production and there are hitches and kinks that unexpectedly happen.
Max: But Skip, you know how prevalent Japanese porn is. It is like every guy knows how to tie a girl up into a pretzel.
Skip: Excuse me, Max, for not living up to your small, narrow, viewpoint of my culture. No wonder white girls are so crazy.
Max: There goes $1000 down the drain on that hypnosis.
Skip: And another thing, where does she get off on suing me? I should sue her back for this travesty of a lawsuit.
Max: Do you think Sega and Gearbox should do that to?
Skip: What are you talking about?
Max: Well, they are getting sued by some guy because he was disappointed with the new Aliens game.
Skip: All these lawsuits are stupid and a waste of money. How much money do you think Sega and Gearbox will have to spend on fighting it in court? Lawyers are not cheap, especially corporate lawyers. Money that could have been spent on keeping the company in a profitable situation, and able to invest more in their products, is instead being spent to tell some brain dead loser he should get a lobotomy. BEEP!
Max: I`ve never seen you this, non-boring, Skip. Are you okay? You didn`t sneak one of my energy drinks did you?
Skip: The way I am feeling I wish I did. Seriously, rope bondage? If she wanted to be tied up so badly she should have made her own mind up. Do you know how hard it was to keep her happy? She was as indecisive, fickle, unsure, bipolar, neurotic as a Resident Evil fan. I want my game to be new and innovative, no, I want it to be the same as Resident Evil 1, wait, can it be the same as Resident Evil 4 but without being Resident Evil 4, oh even better, just release the 1.5 version of Resident Evil 2, or the best one, they should have Resident Evil be made by a western company but I still won`t like it. Don`t you feel that the bar has been set so low for lawsuits? Where is Jack Thompson when you need him with a lawsuit that actually made some, keyword is some sense.
Max: Who did The Boss send to represent us in litigation?
Skip: Jack Thompson
Max: That explains why he is not suing someone at the moment.
Skip: Didn`t he get disbarred?
Max: I thought so. Can we technically go to court with a disbarred lawyer?
Skip: It is probably not the same Jack Thompson. We don`t live in Florida, but still, what is next? Is someone going to sue you for not being drunk on energy drinks on TV and acting like an utter incompetent loon?
Max: You know those words hurt my soul, Skip. I have feelings too.
Skip: Says the man who two weeks ago slept in a box, living in his own feces, because he was afraid of a `box genie`.
Max: It is called method acting, Skip, method acting. We`re a satire show. If people want to watch a boring monologue there are a million different channels.
Skip: I know, I know, I`m sorry. I just don`t like how we`ve been waiting here in the courtroom hallway the past couple hours with these cameras stuck in our face. Who are you anyways?
Stan: Didn`t you get the memo?
Skip: No Stan, we were busy getting sued.
Stan: Due to the legal issues from last week`s episode we needed to find some new sponsors to bring in revenue. You are being made into a reality show.
Max: That would explain why the wardrobe guy gave me this new T-Shirt. Hey Stan, what is a `Maximum Energy`?
Stan: It is your new energy drink brand. Here, take this and say these lines to the camera.
Max: I`m Max Platinum. You might know me from such shows as Skip and Max`s Prime Time Gaming. Pause. When you are a workaholic like me you don`t have time to wait for those three seconds for coffee to be brewed, so that is why I drink Maximum Energy. Pause. It gives me 57 essential nutrients, vitamins and amino acids needed to help me perform at my Maximum. Do a cool pose. Maximum Energy, the official drink of NGN Productions. Cool Laugh.
Stan: You were not supposed to say the words in italics.
Max: Then why have them there if I was not supposed to say them?
Stan: Just, just, nevermind.
Skip: Why should gamers have this entitlement complex that other fans in different forms of entertainment don`t seem to have. Book fans don`t sue the authors because a sequel is not up to par, or movie fans don`t sue the writer or director for ruining a beloved franchise. Why is it in only the gaming industry that this problem is becoming more prevalent?
Max: We`re selfish, Skip. Super selfish. Video games are an interactive media while everything else is passive. Video games make us work for our ending and make us work to have fun. We don`t have to spend 50 hours to get to the ending of the Hunger Games to know it is a rip-off of Battle Royale. We don`t have to spend 20 hours watching Transformers to know that without Optimus Prime`s voice that it had nothing on the original cartoon movie. Movies and Music we can passively enjoy having it on in the background.
Skip: What about books? We have to spend time reading those.
Max: Yeah, but if we get bored we can skip ahead or at the very least if the ending was horrible it was only a couple hours of reading on and off. It is not like sitting there for 50 hours to get to the end of Mass Effect to realize this was not the ending we were looking for or expected. Cost also comes into play as well. A book costs $10, a movie $10 as well. This is assuming you are not Johnny Depp.
Skip: Johnny Depp?
Max: A pirate, Skip, a pirate. Captain Jack.
Skip: Right, so games cost more is another reason why fans feel they have this sense of entitlement? Why don`t car owners sue car companies then as they are one of the most expensive luxuries in the world?
Max: Unless you`re a street racer or collector then a car owner does not get the same entertainment factor. A person driving a car might drive it for fun but it is the drive itself or the company in the car that makes it fun, not the car. Games, even multiplayer ones with friends, are the entertainment itself. Investing $60 on a game that you are investing time into is itself an investment. You are investing a lot of different things into this experience, and some people in this internet age finally have a way to voice their frustration.
Skip: You mean the trolls?
Max: Yes, the trolls. Don`t underestimate the power of the troll. In its natural habitat behind the computer screen and safe from the eyes of societies judgment hides one of the Earth`s greatest heroes, Troll Man! With skin as pale as a ghost, the temperament of a five-year old princess, and the typing skills of a 1950s secretary, Troll Man! is here to save the world from other people`s opinion because if it has to be longer than a sentence it is not a valid opinion. Say in a dramatic voice.
Stan: Cut, cut, just cut. I said don`t say the words in italics.
Max: I`m nervous okay, I`ve never had a camera shoved so up close that it can see my nasal cavity. Why are we even doing this reality show anyways?
Stan: Like I said, this lawsuit is going to cost us a lot of money. Reality shows are pure gold, and an easy cash in.
Skip: I have my pride, Stan. Just because you got a promotion doesn`t mean you`re the boss of us.
Stan: Technically being the director does make me the boss of you.
Officer: It is time for your trial, gentleman. Follow me into the courtroom.
Stan: Ahem, aren`t you forgetting something, Skip?
Skip: You want me to do this here, now? That is all the time we have for this week`s episode. As always for Max Platinum, I`m Skip Williams saying good night and good gaming live from Tokyo District Court. Join us next week when we are put on trial for our very existence.
Max: Who is the guy with the silver hair and purple suit?
Skip: Their attorney.
Max: Isn`t he?
Max: And we have.
Max: I think I should represent myself.
Skip: I think it would improve your odds, or at least the judge will certify you mentally incompetent.
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