Unless you’ve been living under the rock for the past few weeks, it’s common knowledge that Sony is gearing up for yet another exclusive PlayStation 3 announcement later today. Word on the web suggests a mass brawler known as PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale, which ostensibly appears to be Sony’s answer to Super Smash Bros.
This immediately conjures up some tantalizing prospects. Imagine Nathan Drake going toe-to-toe with Kratos, or Ratchet & Clank squaring off against Jak & Daxter? The possibilities are endless. However, while Sony has a boat load of iconic greats we’d love to see thrown into the mix, there are an equal amount of characters who we think shouldn’t make the cut for a variety of reasons.
Here are 10 characters we do NOT want in PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale.
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Ethan Mars (Heavy Rain)
Heroic daddy Ethan Mars is a decent sort of chap and one of PlayStation 3’s most iconic protagonists. However, he ain’t no fighter. Mars has about as much muscle mass on him as a coat hanger, and we reckon the only thing he’d probably be able to do is annoy his foes by constantly yelling “JASON!” every five seconds.
EyePet creature (EyePet)
Cute and cuddly characters like Pikachu and JigglyPuff may have brought their unique brand of Pokemon powers to Smash Bros, but EyePet’s adorable fuzz ball wouldn’t last ten seconds in the ring. In fact, the only thing our fury friend is good for is being cute, eating and pooping, offering no discernible talents for a punch-up with PlayStation’s finest.
Victor “Sully” Sullivan (Uncharted)
Victor goddamn Sullivan may be able to turn on the charm and talk his way out of a room with no doors, but when it comes to getting down and dirty, fellow friend Nate beats him to the punch. After all Sully’s no spring chicken, and his idea of a six-pack is probably the kind you’d find in the fridge. Nope, we imagine the old git would be better cheering from the sidelines chomping a cigar.
SackBoy (LittleBigPlanet)
Sony’s unofficial mascot loves to dress up as his fellow PS3 heroes and heroines, but that’s about as far as he should take it. Going toe-to-toe with the heavyweights would only result in the poor chap having the stuffing beaten out of him – both literally and figuratively in SackBoy’s case.
Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII)
Spiky-haired emo boy Cloud wields a mean Buster Sword, but is far too unhinged to mix it up with the big boys. We can imagine unleashing his iconic Omnislash only to have him spaz out mid-battle, mumbling incoherently about how much his life sucks and questioning his very identity. Stay at home and keep the bed warm for Tifa, mate.
Old Snake (Metal Gear Solid 4)
Don’t get us wrong. Back in the day, Solid Snake could open a can of whoop ass upon just about anyone, but with FoxDie coursing through his veins, we’d fear the wrinkly old stealth master may drop dead at any minute. Let’s face it; he’s living on borrowed time and well past his prime. Sniff.
Yorda (ICO)
Players spent virtually all of ICO guiding Yorda around the place by hand, so can you imagine how useless she’d be in a fight? The poor lass would probably cower at the sight of her opponent in seconds, and even if she did manage to buck up the courage to fight, she’d probably need to be shown how to it.
Ugly PlayStation Home avatars (PS Home)
Love dressing up your virtual doppelganger in fake clothes and bling? That’s fair enough, but we don’t want them parading around in PlayStation All-Star Battle Royale with the pros. Unless you have a fetish for seeing yourself being battered by Kratos, PlayStation Home avatars need to get out of the ring.
PaRappa the Rappa (PaRappa the Rappa)
We love a bit of 90s Sony nostalgia as much as the next bloke, but honestly, a 2D cartoon rapping dog? Fighting against the cream of the crop of PlayStation heroes? Nah, not gonna happen. Sure, he can “punch, kick” (it’s all in the mind, innit) but if the wind so much as blows in the wrong direction he’s a goner. That’s a rap, folks – geddit?
Zeke (inFamous)
Cole MacGrath’s best buddy is a mate you want for life, but not necessarily an ideal backup for a brawl. An electrical nerd by trade, Zeke spends most of his time offering technical and spiritual advice for Cole, and by his own words is a lover not a fighter. As such, he’d be about as much use as a one-legged bloke in an arse kicking competition, so we’d rather he sticks to what he knows best.