GTA Online finally has its trump card with the arrival of the long-delayed Heists. This will no doubt cause an influx of new and returning players, eager to see what the fuss is about. Maybe you are one of these people who’s soon going to discover that GTA Online is a scary place to live. How can you possibly hope to be like all the really cool folks that have millions in the bank and more cars than a season of Top Gear when you know nothing of this world? Well then, aren’t you the lucky one to have me guide you in the customs and rituals of Los Santos that make the very best players virtual Scarfaces? So, lets begin your road to becoming a badly-dressed criminal mastermind.
1. Keep Up With The Latest Fashions
Don’t you dare try and dress in a classy, understated manner in GTA Online. You need to wear the some variation of the same Christmas themed outfit or SWAT gear and pig masks as everyone else if you want to be accepted in Los Santos. Also, you can totally pull off that dreadlocks and clown face paint combo.
2. Don’t Drive Like a Sane Person
Seriously, why bother getting anywhere in one piece when you can do fifty flips round a
relatively simple corner? That’s how real criminals drive you know!
3. Forget Being Social, Murder Everyone on Sight
You’d forgive some people for thinking GTA Online meant hanging out in gangs of real people and working your way to the top of the criminal underworld together. They’d be wrong, but you’d still tousle their hair and accept their sweet naivety. No, GTA Online is about raining hot death down on every other player you see. It’s how you make friends here, why should that guy or gal with a level 3 character get to explore Los Santos in their first car when you have a grenade with their name on it? That’s exactly why you should accept being decimated by other players and reciprocate with interest.
4. Always Keep a Book Handy
Do this and you’ll finish a novel a day thanks to the generous load times. Just think, you’ll be the most literate person in a lobby full of children! That’s something to aspire to.
5. Don’t Bother With Tactics on Missions
Once you know the ritual of being socially bankrupt well enough, you can start enjoying the missions with like-minded folk. You may get excited by the thought of a well thought-out plan culminating in shedloads of cash and satisfaction, but that’s a fools game Sir or Madam. What you need to do is be as reckless and impatient as possible! A fool would park a distance away from an ambush and pick off rival gang members from relative safety, you are a champion, so act like one by crashing headfirst into the standoff and blowing up your entire crew thanks to the gasoline tank you hit.
6. Enjoy the Huge Selection of Races, Activities, Deathmatches and That
Actually, could you just play the same few XP and cash farming ones over and over again instead? Thanks, It’ll be best in the long run anyway.
7. Make a Godawful Racetrack and/or Deathmatch
By now you are getting the hang of being a GTA Onliner so it’s time to give back to the community by diving into the editor and creating some nightmare of shipping containers and traffic cones for others to trudge around in for a bit because no doubt somebody made you experience the very same. It’s the gift that keeps on giving!
8. Punctuate a Life of Gangbangin’ By Taking ‘’Hilarious’’ Selfies.
Because nothing says ice-cold killer like gurning in front of strangers. You’ve done everything of note in the land of Los Santos and now the world needs to see how beautiful your thug-life, dreadlocked-clown face is and learn to fear and respect it.
9. Become The Greatest Playa In GTA History
Right. I’ve taught you all you need to know. The skills you’ve picked up will allow you to topple the top dog in Los Santos and you’ll be running a crew of hundreds and other players will voluntarily offer themselves as makeshift riot shields whenever you step out in public in no time. Enjoy this moment of absolute power, as soon somebody else will have read this and will be well on their way to bringing you down. And they will bring you down, forcing you to go into hiding and start a new life as Sonic The Hedgehog. That’s the horrific price you pay for success in GTA Online. Pay heed.