There’s a bloke known as ‘’Steve the Casual’’ who frequents my local boozer (‘The Young Goat and Fiddler’) who is fascinated by my tales of gaming’s biggest secrets. Recently he asked me how Michael Pachter is so good at guessing what stuff will be hits and flops and such. Well, that got my eyes-a-twinkling as I knew I had a fresh mission to undertake.
Now I know that Mikey Packs normally does interviews for the price of a cheese and pickle sandwich, but it’s a bit harder for me as he sees me as a genuine rival for his crown as ‘’Best Guesser of Obvious Things’’. That, and he thinks I flirted with his wife a few times (I totally did, but only for the banter). So I had to resort to extreme measures to get him to sit down in a Service Station Costa Coffee and uncover his secrets. So, by enlisting the help of a traffic warden who owes me a favour (lets just say it involved Randy Pitchford, a pony and some duct tape) I got Mike’s car clamped and refused to get it released until he sat down for a chinwag over a cup of whatever expensive nonsense they serve in coffee shops these days (made him pay for it too). He agreed and we got down to business swiftly…
Kevin Tawkchitte: Pleasure talking with you Mike, big fan of the Captain Ob…
Michael Pachter: It’s Michael, as I tell you every bloody time you talk to me.
KT: Right you are fella, anyway, yeah, I was about to say I’m a big fan of your great Captain Obvious impersonation.
MP: Sorry? Who’s Captain Obvious?
KT: Michael mate, you’re supposed to be on the bleeding edge of pop-culture trends and you don’t know who Captain Obvious is?
MP: Well, I’m more about forecasting than pop-culture…
KT: You do the weather as well?
MP: Erm, no Kevin, that’d be a meteorologist. What I do is look at different aspects of the business -things like previous sales figures- and make estimations for future projects based on that.
KT: So you just guess then?
MP: Not exactly, no. It’s a bit more complex than that…
KT: Can’t be that hard surely? I mean, I know a guy who hasn’t played a game since Battletoads broke him and he could have guessed GTA V would sell bucketloads.
MP: It’s not simply a case of saying that a game will sell well. More to do with how well and what it means for other games out there. GTA V for example set a new benchmark in sales and that’s what I was forecasting. You’ve been in the video game industry long enough to know this.
KT: I didn’t go to Daddy Warbucks Academy for Smartarse Guessers Mike. I’m more like a meld of Huggy Bear and Louis Theroux. Street-smart and thirsty for the facts. Anyway, I digress, lets say you can predict the future, when am I going to die?
MP: You’re thinking of a psychic Kevin.
KT: Doesn’t change that you’re dodging the question Mikey
MP: (Sighs) Jesus, I really don’t know…
KT: Guess then, that’s what you do after all.
MP: (Rolls his eyes and sighs again) I think I made it clear It is not guessing. I use actual statistics to make esti..
KT: And yet you still can’t tell me when I’m going to die? Your secret is out Packs, all these airs and graces and you know as much about games as John Rice does about horses.
MP: Dare I ask, who exactly is John Rice??
KT: Guy I know, terrible gambler and awful tipster. He once told me that he had it on good authority that the new Call of Duty would be set during feudal Japan. Made me look a right tit.
MP: I’m sure you’re reputation didn’t suffer for it.
KT: Don’t get all snide with me Mike, just cos I found you out. To think, Steve the Casual was convinced you were a wizard.
MP: Look, can I get that clamp off my car now please? I was on the way to an important meeting.
KT: Oh yeah? Off to tell some rag your prediction that Lego Dimensions will sell ridiculously well oh mighty Mike? Or that FIFA 16 will feature grass? I’ll tell you what I’ll predict…
MP: (looking visibly riled) What will you predict Kevin?
KT: That your lovely wife is really quite ashamed of this fraudulent career of yours.
What happened next is still being discussed in court of law so I regret to say that I cannot legally inform you exactly what Mr. Pachter did with those coffee-stirrers.
So there you have it. The reason Michael Pachter is sooo good at being an analyst -or whatever guff he calls it- is that he states the obvious a lot and guesses the rest. His wife is rather lovely though. Steve the Casual…breakfast is on you tomorrow lad.
Got a hot gaming tip? Need a gaming figure taking down a peg or two? Do you have a Nando’s near you? If yes to at least two of those then get in contact with me at PSU.
F.S.P.