Ubisoft announces Assassin's Creed VII: Sisterhood of the Blue Lagoon
The following is purely a work of hypothesized fiction:
March 4, 2015. Ubisoft today put months of speculation to rest when it announced the latest Assassin's Creed game--Assassin's Creed VII: Sisterhood of the Blue Lagoon. While some may believe announcing a new Assassin's Creed game only six months following the release of Assassin's Creed VI: Marty McFly's Revenge is a bit much, Ubisoft said today it plans to release three new Assassin's games each fiscal year and that gamers should give in and continue to suck on the teet that is the Creed cash-cow.
Sisterhood of the Blue Lagoon is set in the Victorian era and follows the story of Emmeline Lestrange, a young woman, who along with her cousin Richard, are shipwrecked on the blue lagoon islands. It turns out Richard is involved in the Templars. The pair live in a small hut and live off the land and sea. Emmeline is uneducated and her older cousin, Richard, shows her everything she needs to know about sex. When asked why Ubisoft was taking such a risqué approach to an action-adventure game, a representative had this to say:
"We have hit all the major plot points outside of incest, and since the development team loves the movie Blue Lagoon, we thought, 'hey, let's do a game that rips off Brooke Shields' crap fest.' Well, we got the green light from upper management since our last 12 games sold like a bazillion copies, so we are just running with this idea until someone comes up with another idea."
Sisterhood of the Blue Lagoon is set to include similar gameplay as we've seen in the past 12 installments, with Emmeline running and jumping up buildings and trees. The same one-button combat mechanic is set to make a return, complete with a single-button counter option. New to the franchise is the first ever coconut collection mini-game. Players will have the chance to run up trees, snag some coconuts, and mix pina coladas to get Richard drunk. Players can compete with friends around the world to get the best sores on the leaderboards.
Assassin's Creed VII: Sisterhood of the Blue Lagoon is set to release on consoles on Nov. 4, 2015, one week before Assassin's Creed VII: Boris Goes to Jail hits PS Vita.
It is hard to believe that this pretend Assassin's Creed game could actually come out someday. OK, it will never come out; I admit it. But, the fact we could see an Assassin's Creed VII: Enter Sandman someday is absolutely mind blowing. For a series with each release promising some game-changing advancement, we've seen the same old routine time after time. It's a franchise that proves the sense of place is more important than what it is you do in said place.
Assassin's Creed III may have brought about a wonderfully fun naval combat mini-game of sorts, but is that really a game changer? Brotherhood brought about a new recruiting management system. The newly announced Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag (it has nothing to do with the hardcore punk band, sorry kids) is introducing harpooning. Harpooning. Harpooning!? Since this is a pirate theme, naval combat will play a heavy role in Black Flag. You will get your own crew and ship to navigate around the Caribbean as you search for enemies, islands, and treasure (presumably, anyway—you are leading a pirate crew, after all). Other new gameplay elements in Black Flag include the ability to dive underwater and explore and find treasure.
If you need another Assassin's Creed game and want the ability to harpoon whales, get in bar fights, plunder loot, and dive for treasure, Black Flag is totally your game. More power to you for accepting another great franchise ruined by the yearly release plague. Assassin's Creed is now going the way of Call of Duty, all of EA Sports' lineup, and the other annual releases.
There is a perfectly good reason Ubisoft is pushing its Assassin's Creed franchise down our throats: money! The franchise has sold like liquor at a pirate party, with some 55 million copies sold to date. Assassin's Creed ... (continued on next page)