Feature Humor Valentine's Day

Videogame Villain’s Lonely Hearts Column on Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is the darkest day of the year for some, and an annoyance you’d do well not to forget for others, but either way, it’s an effective tool for inducing misery on people. Bad guys might enjoy misery and heartache of others, but secretly they ache for love and affection. Lucky for them, they can just put an ad out to find exactly the right kind of life partner to enjoy/endure their villainous schemes.

We stumbled across this Lonely Hearts Column for videogame villains looking for true love on Valentine’s Day

Revolver Ocelot

romantic games

Can You Put The Pretty in Pretty Good?

Husky-voiced, intelligent, mature male feline seeks gruff, rugged snake for long ‘gunplay’ sessions, and to indulge me in my extended monologues about war. Must be into BDSM and role-playing. Interests include torture, philosophy, and juggling. WLTM a mature ‘father figure’ male, preferably with eyepatch and a penchant for cigars to share in holidays such as Valentine’s Day. No androgynous blondes or time wasters please.

Marguerite Baker

valentine's day ps4

Looking For A New Beau On The Bayou

Mature, generous, Southern Lady seeks male for friendship (maybe more) and fine dining. My interests include cooking delicious meals, insects, being brutally honest, and broadening my use of the English language. Had a loving Husband once, but he became a different man, always changing when things got tough, so we grew apart. WLTM mature male who enjoys home-cooked food and a bit of dirty talk. Would prefer a man with a mind of his own. Mortals only.

M. Bison

Shadalooking For My Latest Psycho- Crush(er)

Strong-willed and ambitious male seeks partner for administering adulation and worship on a regular basis. I like the color’s red and purple, cloaks, self-indulgence, and cultivating new ideas for world domination. WLTM like-minded person (but not as mighty, clever, evil or powerful obvs!) who appreciates my brilliance, but never tries to usurp it. No Chinese please, had a bad experience.

Dr Eggman

bison

Will You Robot-Nick My Heart this Valentine’s Day?

Svelte, mustachioed gentleman with a PhD seeks human companionship. Worked with animals for many years, and have a appreciation for precious stones that any lucky lady/laddy would admire. Need a break from the animals though as not had much human contact in quite some time, and my psychiatrist feels I need to distance myself from that line of work if I’m to succeed at dating. I like big eyes, lots of fur..I mean hair, and a bit of attitude. Must love inventing, mustaches, hedgehogs, foxes, echidnas and big cats.

Heihachi Mishima

valentines day games

Looking To Start A New Family (Cos I Want The Old One Dead)

Elderly, yet incredibly virile, male seeks younger bride to continue my impressive legacy with children and grandchildren that don’t want to kill me. I enjoy long walks on the beach, romantic meals, and plotting the demise of my loved ones. Would you want to be in my loving sights too? Small aside, there’s a chance you may encounter demonic possession, so need a woman who can handle that without complaining.